Copious amouts of emotion

There are times when I seriously think I have multiple personality disorder. I honestly think someday I'm going to find myself in the middle of a salon shaving my head and whacking at people with an umbrella, wait a minute...

It's not that I'm not good at controlling my emotions but it's about how they come out. Most of the time I smile to people's face or put on a neutral expression and really all I want to do is slit their throat. Something in my upbringing taught me self control but there is also something to be said for realising your emotions as well.

Actually, I have no idea why I'm writing about this. I have no desire to work right now. All that's ahead of me today is mundane busy work and many more e-mails from over-caffeinated clients. Sometime between now and yesteryear I have very much begun to resent my job. You know how kids that are too smart for the class they're in act out and cause trouble because they're not being challenged? I feel like that. I've gone months with out doing more than the bare minimum only to catch it all up in a matter of days. I know I should be thankful to have a job in such a shitty economy but I need a change.

If I end up having to do this job for the rest of my life then I'm going to slit my wrists! There has got to be more to life than this. My life has to have more meaning than just a person pushing around papers all day and being told over and over again her ass looks nice.

My looks are going to fade one day and I'm going to be stuck with anti-aging cream and a big pot of disappointment. I have the world at my feet, there are endless possibilities out there, and I feel like I'm standing at a four way stop being asked to choose only one direction when I really want to take all four. So life doesn't get any easier as you get older, no shit!, I thought at least I'd have it figured out by now. Just goes to show that you can't plan anything anymore. Which is why I think I've become more relaxed about everything lately. What's the point in planning anything when nothing you plan ever works out for you. You choose to love someone and soon your heart's in pieces. You choose the school you want to attend and you're not accepted. You choose your job and you're fired from it. You choose to live a healthy lifestyle and you get cancer. When you actively choose to avoid planning and let life take it's natural course, nothing happens. Now you face two options, total and utter disappointment or a stagnant living. What is the lesser of two evils??

Running on Empty

My teeth are clean but my car's on E. The turkeys have been bought but I have to sell an article of clothing to see a movie. I have debt, you have debt we all have tons and tons of debt. In fact I haven't even bought a house yet but the debt I've accumulated adds up to that of a mortgage on a small house.

At the end of the day I'm a plain Jane. I look no better than the girl sitting next you. I have the same problems as everyone else in this world. I have ambition that is no stronger than 50% of those around me. I work, sleep, laugh, play, cry, get angry, go to the doctor, talk to other people, buy groceries just like everyone else. I am just me and I could be no different than the thousands and thousands of faces you see in your given lifetime. I am average.

What can I bring to a law school that others cannot?? So after going through the painful process of realizing how unextraordinary I am I now have to tell you how I'm so awesomely unique. Fine. My dad was in the military and my mother was raised by a farmer and from that odd combination I received an incredible work ethic. I take my job tasks seriously and put the maximum amount of effort into everything I do that will produce the greatest results. I am meticulous down to the last detail and tend to catch mistakes that other people that have looked at the same problem two or three times have not caught. In short, I'm also a perfectionist. I will stay until the project is done and it is done well. I'm also an extrovert. I'm not afraid to speak my opinion and since I rarely like to look like an idiot when I am doing this, I will know how to speak my mind in an intelligent and informed manner. I like to meet and work with other people because even when I'm challenging the opinions of others or having a discussion I do allow myself to be open to learning from what other people think and how they think. Plus, I know how to cook so during late night study sessions we will have ample amounts of refreshment.

Writing because I have to start somewhere

I've told myself for about a month and a half that I'm going to start writing my personal statements tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. The thing about tomorrow is that there is always another tomorrow to push it to. 

I don't know why I can't write them, I keep saying it's writer's block but I don't think that's quite right. The fact of the matter is I keep losing excitement, for everything. I'm going to New York in less than a month, it's Christmas time, friend's Thanksgiving is less than a week away, I'm applying for law school and none of this excites me. This world is a bitch and the people around me are, lets face it, cruel.  I've been excited about many of these things before only to be met with snide comments, protestation, and horrible jokes. Yes I'm strong but for fucks sake back the fuck off once and a while. Why can't I just be happy without someone shitting all over it and bringing me down??

I must be a real fool to think that my enthusiasm for something means anything to people. Why when you're having a bad day am I the person people shit all over? 

Maybe it's not other people though, maybe it's just me. Maybe I've grown so cynical and so jaded that I can't be excited about anything anymore. What is the point really? The build up that excitement brings just lead to a much bigger fall when you're disappointed. Let's face it, were always disappointed. Nothing is perfect and nothing ever goes according to plan so why have the expectation for such when human nature dictates that something is only as good as it's weakest link. A happy face is merely a facade for a person that is ready to rip your face off. 

Why do I want to go to law school?? I need a change. I need to feel like I'm going forward again instead of down the backwards slope I feel I'm beginning to fall into. I want to learn something again that will challenge me, that I can't devour and spit back out in 30 seconds. I want intelligent discussion about the law and politics that doesn't keep me afraid of offending or boring someone. I want to be challenged. I want my life to have a purpose and a meaning to it. I want my sense of self worth back, like I'm doing something that I'm meant to be doing. Mostly, I want to feel excited again. 

Suck it up

I've started about half a dozen posts in the last month or so and they've all been about being lazy or having writer's block. I've been obsessing about how things are going to happen or where my life is going. I'm so worried about what's going to happen now and how I can't control the things going on right now that I'm no longer thinking about the future or what I want. I'm too busy worried about not stepping on people's toes, worried about what other people think of me or how I'm going to impress them, worried about how to implement someone else's visions that I have no idea who or what I am any more. 

So fuck it all and here is all is in a nut shell. 

I'm 26 and I don't like to go out and drink my life away any more. I use to do it, I use to get a strange rush after binging and then not remembering anything. There is nothing fun about forgetting parts of your life, ask anyone with Alzheimer's, why in the fuck would anyone want to give themselves early on-set Alzheimer?? It does suck how much this limits myself from my current group of friends, they see it as kicking them out of my life and not wanting to hang out any more, I see it more as not having much in common any more. While my drunk stories are fun for people to recount over and over again it sucks for me because I get to stand there like an idiot and own them. 

I like to sit at home by myself and watch t.v, be on my computer, listen to music, or talk on my phone. I don't care that it's an isolating activity because I already know how to disappoint myself and I'm better at controlling that than controlling other people. I also like to hang out with my friends and I'm not afraid of new people or new situations. Call it introvert or call it extrovert but we all have a little of each, I just tend to have a lot of both. 

I get stressed and I blog, eat a lot, eat nothing, yell, cry, or I do all of the above but I do it all my way. I can throw a party for being depressed or I can throw one for celebrating my brilliance, but at the end of the day everyone around you can disappear leaving you with only yourself, will you be happy with yourself, because I already know who I am, and I like myself. 

I can do anything and fuck you very much and I will. Call it a God complex, call it 20 something invisibility, but I can do anything. The possibilities in life are in fact endless and I can take whatever path I choose and run with it. I live in a free society and I can choose my own destiny. Why the fuck am I letting my friends and my fears stop me?? I live under most of the same constraints as everyone else, crushing debt, job responsibilities, family and friend, but I can do whatever I want to do, so I should just suck it up and do it. 

Yes, I live in my own bubble. The fantasies and situations in my head are probably a very different perception than the ones in your head. I am working on it but for fucks sake I don't have to worry about anyone but me. I do realize that there are people who I interact with and that my action do effect them in some way shape or form but as far as it being my first or second reaction to think about the people around me, it just isn't. Those I care about receive more consideration than most but at the end of the day I live in a bubble and the first thing I think about is me. Egocentric? Yes, it is but I find as I grow older and I make my self more aware of the things going on around me it make it easier to think about others. That being said I still assume people know thing that are blatantly obvious to me but may not be to others. I hate it when people explain the obvious to me, so I tend not to explain what I perceive to be obvious. 

I hate it when people second guess me. I'm not perfect, even I can admit that, but fuck!! even if I'm wrong I still get to learn a less when I fail. I may hate learning that lesson, I may complain about it, and I may want to jump off a bridge because I had to learn it but let me make my own decisions. I'm sick of being judged for the decisions I make. I make most mistakes once some twice but even when I drive my car two hundred miles an hour towards a brick wall trust that either I know what I'm doing or that when I screw up I will know not to do it again. We all learn just as much from our mistakes as we learn from our successes. 

My life is at the moment not my idea of an ideal life. I believe in God but have no idea why this is life he had planned for me. I read something recently that intrigued me about this. Maybe God is just as helpless as we all are. Maybe he's not a puppet master pulling all the strings and making all the decisions but instead a passenger sitting besides us being our cheerleader, mourning our losses and disappointments, or resting his reassuring hand on our shoulder. That he plays an active role and not just a passive one. I'm beginning to think this is more of a possibility. There is not some omnipresence to blame our downfalls on but instead we have to look to ourselves. In that case there are relationships that I have with people that I don't understand. When the person you befriended in the beginning is not the same person they are now, and you've changed too, what is there to base a friendship on? When you can't be with someone you've known for a number of years and they know you just as well or better than you know yourself, what do you do? When you found a very compatible companion when you were 15 and you chose different paths that look like they will never cross again, do you keep your faith and hope or do you drop it all and settle or find something similar? When your dreams scare you do you give them up or fight the fear until your dream becomes what they once were?

Finally, What do you do when life comes knocking at your door, wearing boxing gloves, hungry for a fight? Do you shut the door and cower under you bed? Or, do you stand straight, spit it it's face and throw the first punch? Religion, your mother, your best friend, your husband/wife, your boyfriend/girlfriend, nor can you children tell you how to run your life. They might be considerations in the decision, some stronger than others, but letting them dictate what to do with your life makes it no longer your life. So I'm now choosing to live my life, my way, and whether you believe in my interpretation of how God's guidance works or not, he's got his hand on my shoulder and I'm diving in head first.

Swirling Mania of Life

I'm at best average and at worst the carbon copy of everyone else. If that makes no sense to you, maybe it shouldn't. I realized the last thing I wrote had nothing to do with me as a person but showed you more of a side I show the world. Fact of the matter is most of the time I have no idea what I'm doing, where I'm going, or who I'm going to be when it's all finished. 

When I'm afraid I shut down, push things out of the way and try my best to forget about what it is that's freaking me out. I hate getting that embarrassing internal "what the fuck did you do and why did you do it feeling." I try my ass off never to feel that way. In the process though I forget to live my life. I'm so freaked out about being rejected that even though I talk over and over and over again about leaving in 8 months to go to law school I cannot seem to pick up a piece of paper and start writing about why I want to go to law school. I'm afraid that I will have to pick a different path for my life. 

I'm afraid of letting go of the love and the hope that I have with Brian. I'm so comfortable with him that it's so easy to fall into the feelings and even the intensity of the feeling that I had when we were kids. Not that I would ever stop loving him but I need to be ok with the fact that we are different people with very different paths and those paths may not cross and lead to where I would like them to. The love I have for him should be turned into the love I have for all my friends. Finding that line is a hard journey.

I need to know that I can go out and have fun with my friends and not be afraid of turning into the out of control party girl who doesn't stand up and say no to any kind of liquor. I can have fun and not drink. I can drink and not do it in excess. I fear not what others think of me, but in all honesty I do care about the opinions of me by the people I love, but what can become of me when I don't have control over myself. 

These are all, in my opinion, legitimate fears that I have and have had before. The thing is I always feared the what if more than I feared anything else. What if I don't do this, will I regret it? I think as of late I've been living the opposite, "I don't care if I'll regret it, I just want to feel safe." The exterior illusion I put on is one of drive and ambition inside I'm scared shitless and though this isn't the first time I've been scared shitless it's the first time my internal mantra has not been "it's ok to be afraid but it's worse if you don't try," my current mantra stops at "it's ok to be afraid." 

As of late I've waxing more concrete and less organic. The whys and the internal workings have been the things I'm placing more value on, less fly by the seat of your pants and more flying in the seat of an airplane. Everything seems to work out best when you find the mean, the place in the middle between the two that's a healthy dose of both. The problem is the middle means giving up something on both sides. Do you jump off the cliff and fall or do you sit on the side of the cliff and just look down? Where is the half way between falling and sitting? Falling with the aid of a safety net? But then doesn't the whole vicious cycle start all over again?

The questions and worries that I have that keep me up, make me sick, and make my hair fall out are the ones that need to be answered before I fall but they seem like unanswerable questions. It's as if I'm standing in front of the sphinx and the riddle that I have to answer to pass is so overwhelming that I can't do anything but sit down and stare at where I cannot go. It gets hard to find the strength to keep the sphinx from devouring me. 

This is what life is though, "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." We come across detours, forks in the road, a mindless maze of paths and roads. Ever decision has a consequence and an outcome. The problem with life is that it keeps moving you forward and the decision on what path to walk becomes hard and the consequences greater. There is nothing you can do to stop it, it's like the moving screen in a Nintendo game, if you quit moving Mario forward, the screen with do it for you and you will run into an obstacle and die or you will pick it up and start moving yourself again. 

Life does not stop when you refuse to move, when you refuse to make a decision, you just cease to exist. Then it is life that controls you and not you making the choices that control your life. Then again brain and heart are two very different organs. Rational thought and discovery may be capable but if the soul is still paralyzed with fear or reluctance you are trapped in a body the screams for movement but refuses to move. How to sync the two may be a much more appropriate question. 

Blogging the 9/26/08 Presidential Debate

For those of you who don't know I hold a degree in political science from the University of Minnesota. So I'm going to put that to use and blog through the first presidential debate.

Disclaimer: I am a Democrat, I have been since I was 12, I will more than likely be biased.

I'm also watching CNN, and there's an audience reaction graph from Democrats (Dem), Independents (Ind), and Republicans (Rep).

I also came into the debate about 10 minutes late.

Current questioning is on the 700 billion dollar bail out:

They're basically agree with each other on the big points but have disagreements on the nuances. McCain is name dropping a lot though and bring up former presidents. He also railing against pork barrel spending. 

Obama is agreeing with McCain again and is calling it earmarks. Amazing how each uses a different word to soften or strengthen what is essentially excessive spending. Obama is railing against rich/richer poor/poorer. He got and audience bump for it. McCain is making the same point about suspension of excess spending for Obama that the Mainstream Media is making for Palan's Bridge to Nowhere (the fact that they both stopped after they we publicly pursuing office).  Obama is closing corporate loopholes, how does one do that when corporations basically run America? Dems like Obama's plan better than Ind. and Rep. 

McCain is defending business tax, bump from everyone. His alliteration is on tonight! Reps love it when McCain rails against pork barrel spending. Obama says tax cuts for all lower income families. Tax code loopholes makes tax rates lower for business than anywhere in world. MCain is taxing health benefits. "Walking the walk and talking the talk" McCain.  Look at the records, McCains says his record on over spending is better than Obama's. McCain is talking about changing the tax code, and railing against "Christmas tree ordainments" on the energy spending bill. McCain's got a creepy Bush like laugh!! Tax breaks for oil companies.

Ok, above is the recap of what I was watching and I'll type my opinions below each question type.  Though the $700 billion bail out may help temporarily, it's like putting a band aid on a gaping, gushing wound. All that it does to the economy is inflate the dollar, leaving the problem for another day. Both candidates seem to want to stop excessive spending on nonsense projects but they both differ on what those projects are. I don't think McCain's proposal of big business tax cuts are going to work because we've already seen where that leaves the little people. Obama did make a contradictory argument though by telling McCain that businesses already have plenty of loopholes that they don't need a tax cut and then touting a plan that calls for the closing of the loopholes that supposedly exempts them from a tax cut places a lot of burden on the modern business. Placing excessive burden on business has a trickle down effect which will eventually place the burden on the average American. Their solution has to come in the middle, spend to increase the economic stability of the middle class while relieving undue burden on the businesses and corporations. 

Financial Rescue Plan:

Obama is cutting his budget because of it. He wants to concentrate on independence from foreign oil, better energy resources, bring back jobs, and better health care. He wants more education on math and science, affordable college, better structure. Eliminate programs that don't work

McCain is cutting spending. McCain just called Obama a liberal and he cannot compromise. He doesn't want ethanol. Excessive military spending is out, fixed cost contracts are in. Defense spending is important. He's bring out the experience, I did this, I did that. Cut government agencies. 

Medicaid has a 15 bill give away. Obama not liberal, just opposes GW (huge Dem bump!).  McCain wants spending freeze except for defense, veterans affairs, and "important stuff"(that was the only explanation, what is important stuff?). Obama says spending freezes don't work and early childhood development is important too. McCain says we're sending money to terrorists. We need national oil instead of foreign. Also wants more nuclear power. Moderator says they're not answering his question.

It will effect the budgets.  Now we're talking health care. Oh, Independents want a gov. controlled health care, at least they didn't like when McCain railed against it. He's droning about spending again. Obama cannot get McCain's name right. McCain voted for GW's budgets (excessive spending). 

The Federal Rescue Plan will undoubtedly change either candidates budget and 100 day plan when they first get into office. The candidates with each have to evaluate what the greatest challenges are for our country and go in that direction. Obama seems to favor a more domestic approach to spending, strengthening the education and health care systems, finding more ways to encourage economic growth within America and creating jobs. McCain seems to be concentrating more on defensive programs and improving the veteran's way of life. I lean towards Obama's spending plans more than McCain's. When your home base is weakened it is very hard to have a strengthened defense system. We've concentrated far too long on what's going on out there and we need to start taking care of our own problems. Fix America and then fix the rest of the world. We're surrounded by water on 2 1/2 sides. We have a stronger military system than the two countries that actually boarder us. A full scale invasion is highly unlikely. Figure out where our defense is lacking and strengthen your own country before you start playing offense. 

Lessons of Iraq

McCain: Cannot have a failed strategy. War was mishandled. Need additional troops. He thinks it's a success and that we're winning, Dems and Ind. do not like that. McCain thinks Iraq will be an ally. 

Obama: We should not have gone in. We weren't finished in Afghan (huge Dem. Ind. bump) Al Qaeda back. Still huge spending on Iraq. Should use military force wisely. 

Violence is reduced, good job to all. Containment of mismanagement not winning war. McCain: Obama doesn't understand difference between tactics and strategy. We're make progress in Iraq.  "Peace and Prosperity" Obama: McCain opposed funding troops, end the war in Iraq and concentrate on Afghanistan, and get ride of Al Qaeda. McCain: wider war if we leave Iraq

Ok, I'm all about Obama on this point. We should not have gone in the first place. We've lost our concentration on Afghanistan and it's directly lead to our inability to keep America 100% safe. McCain keeps saying we're winning, we're winning. Iraq is not about winning any more. Iraq was never the war, the war was on terrorism, guess what, there is still rampant terrorism going on. We are fighting to win one battle but we fail to see that we are horribly losing the war. Our continued presence in Iraq is leading to one hell of a propaganda spin in the outlying middle eastern countries (i.e. look America is taking over everything please help us fight to protect ourselves or you'll be next). The real lesson from Iraq? While the magician is telling you to look at his right hand, you damn well better keep your eye on the left one too or you'll miss the wool being pulled over your eyes. 

More troops in Afghanistan

Obama: Yes, it's getting worse. More offense, Taliban is attacking. Iraq had nothing to do with 9-11. Strategic mistake. Press the Afghan gov. work for their people. Exploding Poppy trade. Have to deal with Pakistan. Americans not safe until we control Afghan. If Pakistan unwilling to help we should attack. Oh knocked McCain on the singing bomb Iran song. Lost legitimacy in Pakistan. Troops are doing well. 

McCain: Washed our hands of the region after Russian invasion. Name dropping again. Not cutting aid to Pakistan and will not threaten them. Get the support of Pakistan. Work with them not against them. Gain cooperation of tribes on Pakistan boarder. I can work with them. Failed Pakistan state when Musharraf was in power. Bring out his record. Supported going to war, or having conflicts with countries guilty of genocide. Bring out the human interest stories. Obama did not go to Afghanistan. Connection between Iraq and Afghanistan.

*No one likes it when they attack each other, the lines for all parties go down

Afghanistan is hard for me to blog on because I haven't been following the conflicts in that country. Just between the candidates responses though I'd have to say that Obama handled to question better. McCain continues to tout his experience but doesn't realize he's not telling how he's going to act just how he's acted before. I'm a strong believer that all situations are different than the ones before. Just because you have experience dealing with apples does not mean you know how oranges are going to act. I agree that we need to clean up the mess with the terrorist organizations having free reign to run and recruit in countries like Afghanistan and Pakistan but how that should exactly happen is beyond me. McCain does have a point about not provoking Pakistan though, they do have a nuclear arsenal, and India being so close that would be a bad spark to ignite. 

Threat from Iran 

McCain: If they have nuclear weapons it's a threat to Israel and the region. Cannot allow a second holocaust. Forming a league of democracies. Russians are not playing well in UN. Impose sanctions on Iranians. Lousy government and economy lousy. Lethal IEDs into Iraq, train terrorists in Iran. Serious threat. Talking legitimizes behavior. Name drop, and history examples (Reagan, Nixon). Has to be preconditions to talking. 

Obama: War in Iraq has strengthened Iran. Funding terrorists. Cannot tolerate nuclear Iran. Set off arms race in Middle East. Russia and China need to help in sanctions. Tough direct diplomacy. We need to talk. Meet with people to keep America safe. Example of North Korea, without talks they were testing nuclear weapons, when talking we made progress. 

*Oh, they really don't like it when the candidate attack each other

Iran, and Venezuela for that matter, are the big brothers who taunt the younger ones into fighting with them. The best way to deal with them is to go smarter or go home. If you try to fight them it will spiral out of control. Though both candidates pretty closely agree on this issue, again their nuances are a little different. Talk with someone does not necessarily legitimize their behavior. I also whole heartily disagree with McCain's statement about forming a union of democratic nations. The UN is there for a reason. If you start undermining its legitimacy you're liable to topple an effective organization. Diplomacy is part of being the President of the United States. You have to have effective communication or every skirmish you get into with lead to combat when combat is sometime ineffective. More come from talking than fighting. 

Relationship with Russian

Obama: Evaluate new approach. Threat to peace and stability. Attacks on Georgia unwarranted. Unified alliance. Affirm fledgling democracies in the area, should be part of NATO. Should not go back to Cold War standards. Loose nukes could fall in wrong hands. Work with Russia. Are they a threat to national security. Rebuild Georgian economy. Anticipate problems. Putin feeling powerful because of Petrol dollars. Increase domestic production, need to reduce dependency on foreign oil. 

McCain: Russia committed serious aggression against Georgia. KGB outlier. Bolster friends and allies. Energy attack. Eastern Europe afraid of Russian action. Russians in violation of cease fire. Friend and ally of Ukraine. Wants off shore drilling and more national oil drilling. 

Ah Russia, and it's gathering of friendly alliances. I honestly wasn't even aware at first that Russia was planning to go so rouge. It's like they did a test on Georgia just to see the reaction, a petulant child trying to push it's boundaries. Russia attacking America, is again highly unlikely but, their ability to start another World War is altogether possible. McCain seems to be leaning towards cutting Russia off, I understand his thinking but I don't believe it's altogether possible. I'm not sure either candidate really knows what to do about the situation, while I believe McCain is blowing things a bit out of proportion I don't think Obama has a good solution on how to handle it. Though he did give me some hope when he said we need to start anticipating problems. Friends close, enemies closer, it'll be interesting to see if anyone has the ability to anticipate what will happen with such a potentially volatile situation. 

Likelihood of another 9-11

McCain: Much less likely than it was. Safer nation but long way to go. He was a member of bipartisan commission on safety. No torture. Better security. Better job along boarders. Senator Obama is naive (over and over again). We do not need specific dates to withdrawal from Iraq. Involved in all major security issues in the last 20 years. Obama has no experience. (People do not like this, falling below 50% approval from Dems and Ind. at 50% for Rep.) I'll take care of veterans. Can make the right judgement. Heal the wounds of war. 

Obama: Safer in some ways. Airports. Securing targets. But still need to secure chemical sites. Biggest threat is terrorist getting hold of nukes. Need nuclear proliferation. Need to root out Al Qaeda active in many countries. More cooperation with allies. Need a better perception in the world for more respect. Bin Laden is still out there. Weakened our ability to project power. Spending too much. (Shaky transition between defense and economy). Veterans are not getting treatment. Broader strategic vision. Ideals and values use to inspire all the world. Invest in education and American dream. 

The question that is in the back of every voter's mind, "If 9-11 happened again what would ____ do?" I agree that there are some places in this country that have been made safer (I've worked at the airport for 6 1/2 years yes security is a pain in the ass!) others have not. Securing the boarder I'm all for but,  by a bunch of insensitive, over zealous, prejudice nut jobs? No thanks. Have we beefed up security on nuclear and chemical plants? I know I had a cousin stationed at one but, now that the reserves are leaving for Iraq who took their place? Strengthening our allies is good, legitimizing ourselves to the rest of the world would be a good start at breaking other countries' perceptions that we're just out to take over everything. When your army is away, who protects the country? This is my point. How do we feel safe when our army is maxed fighting a battle for a country that, even if the become our ally, is very inconsequential. 

All in all the debate was pretty decent. I did get to hear a lot more about each candidate's plans to fix the economy and what they would do for defense but I also heard a lot of sniping too. McCain's constant reminder that Obama has no experience was getting down right annoying. Obama's constant interruptions of McCain to set the record straight was getting on my nerves as well. Truth of the matter is neither have been President before so, years in the Senate or not, neither one can predict what will happen. There are pros and cons to both carving your own path vs. following the one you've always known. 

Realizations

A couple of things have been pushing at the edge of my consciousness lately. 

1) When did I become so damn jaded? 

Seriously, when? I feel like I am constantly in Eeyore mode and I've been that way for a very, very long time. It's like my black cloud will not leave me, tut, tut, it's constantly raining. I'm so pessimistic about everything. I lost my optimism somewhere, perhaps I left it in the bottom of my half empty glass. I delude myself into thinking sometimes that everything is bright and shinny but there always seems to be black clouds on the horizon, waiting to cover everything. I just secretly envy people who can see the good, the positive in everything. They're so delightfully annoying with their everything will be ok pep talks and their the grass is always greener slogans. These are the people that I've always wanted to bind and gag and then ask if they really want to see all the fish in the sea. I just can't help thinking that I'll never get to think that way, I have a hard time remembering if I ever did. 

2) When did I become so excepting of ignoring my own mortality?

It's not like I'm bungee jumping off of every high surface that I see, but I definitely walk into situations that people don't normally walk into. For example, I was walking through downtown Minneapolis and a group of my friends had parked in a different place than I had. In front of us was an all out brawl in the street moving in the direction of where I parked my car. I told my friends good night and walked towards my car by myself. To me this was nothing, but the looks of horror and concern on their faces should have told me it was a bad idea. I started to walk to my car but my guy friends insisted on walking me there. Or another example could be my Vegas disappearing act. I dream about bad stuff, dangerous things, happening to me and rather than scare me, it excites me, longing for the challenge of staying alive or not. I don't get it things that I should be concerned with I'm just not. Maybe I've been incredibly lucky to always have someone there to pull me back from the edge but the things that bug normal people do not bug me.

3) When did I slip into indifference?

My enthusiasm for life seems to fade in and out like sunlight through clouds. One minute I'm all about moving forward and get this show on the road and the next minute I'm lying on my couch staring into space watching everything slow to a grinding halt. I escape any way I can that's legal because I cannot bare to put my family through the strain of having a drug addled, co-dependent, worthless person to take care of. There are times when I've stopped being a player in my own life. I just sit on the sidelines and watch as everything passes by. "Does anybody know what we are living for?" I've never questioned the fact that I believe I have an incredible amount of strength. There are days though that it takes all of it to get myself out of bed and ready for the day. There are also some days that even with using all the force of that strength that I cannot make myself even lift my head. One step seems like a million and two seems like the most impossible task. 

I'm blessed with incredible self-awareness but that can only take a girl so far. The way I see myself is very different from the way that most people perceive me. Things about me surprise people all the time. I create this illusion of being an open book without actually having to be. It's become an unconscious reaction to people and situations. I know who I am but you will never know me because I can't afford for people to really know me. Their disappointment would crush me. 

Forward... March...

So it's been awhile. I'm sorry. Shit's been interesting for me lately. My internal monologue is going nuts and, though I know I'm not crazy, my internal dialogue has been in flux.

I'll start from today and go backwards since my last post on August 8th.

I've basically for the past two weeks done nothing but devour Stephanie Meyer's book series "Twilight." There are four 550 - 750 page books and online there is a partial draft of Midnight Sun (an unreleased part of the series). I've done nothing during this time but eat, sleep, work, and read (with the exception of one outing to the State Fair). I know it's bizarre but I'm in love with this world she's created. I'm utterly heartbroken that I've finished reading them. I can honestly say I've never been pulled into fiction quite like this before. I feel like I've been on drugs for 2 weeks and now I'm suffering from withdrawals. I know this seems crazy to some people but I lost myself in that world. I'll never be able to describe perfectly how it feels but I fell in love with the characters, lost myself in the writing, and now that I'm done I feel like I've lost a best friend or a lover. You can call me crazy but these books have an impact on my life.

I had Monday, September 1st off for Labor Day. I had great plans to clean my apartment and start writing my personal statements but instead I did nothing. I did manage to pick the law schools I'm applying to:
1) Brooklyn Law School
2) University of Minnesota (this one would have never occurred to me but they e-mailed me so I figured I would give it a shot)
3) University of Denver
4) University of D.C.
5) John Marshall Law School
6) New England Law School
7) New York Law School

Of this list 1-3 are highly unlikely but I'm going to give it a shot and 4-7 hold greater possibilities for acceptance. There are only a couple of these school that have their applications up so, I'm going to have to wait awhile until I can start applying. I have a lot to do until then though, figure out why I want to go to law school, write my personal statements, get my letters of recommendation, and figure out how to pay my application fees. This should keep me busy.

On August 31st I was asked to be Godmum for my niece who's baptism will be October 5th. I will be godmother to all my sister's children then. This is not really all that surprising since I told her that if anything happened to her and her husband that I would raise her children. I know it's something that's easy to say when they're both healthy as horses but I truly mean it. I know I can handle the challenge because I love those kids more than life and I would die to protect them.

On August 27th I went to the State Fair with a group of friends which was a lot of fun. There were little dramas that popped up here and there but I mostly tried to stay out of it and just enjoy human interaction with people I enjoy being around. This is one of the first years though I actually was able to hit some of the political booths thanks to my friend Bart being there. Though Bart is a raging conservative we still had a fun bet involving the exchanging of political buttons. Though I did find a little bit of glee in telling Norm Colman I did not want my picture taken with him.

On August 26th we finally fired the very incompetent and stupid girl I've blogged so much about. The kicker is that she wasn't fired for being bad at her job she was fired for stealing from the company. Who in all honesty uses their firm credit car for personal use and then tries to cover it up by stealing the bill? Stupid, stupid, stupid. It's better now though. Even though I have to mail my own letters (tragic isn't it?) it's so much better to work with mostly more competent people. At least that's one less person I have to pretend to like. If you think I'm being mean then you work with her for 9 months. Please try not to pull all your hair out though, I don't think you'll look good bald.

The 17th of August was my 26th birthday. I was up at Lisa's cabin with a close group of friends. It was different than other birthday I've had, I'm not really a foresty-nature kind of girl but I'm realizing that it doesn't really matter where you spend your birthday it's all about who you're with. Not that I didn't have fun because it was a ton of fun and very relaxing not having to worry about anything. I was a little disappoint that a few good friends of mine forgot about my birthday. I guess I need to realize that people do not put the importance on birthdays the way I do. I did have a great time though and that's all that matters.

August 8th - August 24th I had a bad case of Olympic fever. I've never been so into the Olympics before but I really enjoyed watching them this year. I very much enjoyed watching Michael Phelps' races, the men's and women's gymnasts, the men's volleyball team, the beach volleyball teams, and even a little bit of track and field events. America competed well this year and our country was well represented.

Though all those activities have been great at keeping me distracted my emotions have been all over the map lately. Though I did try and cut ties with Brian it's been quite a struggle. It's hard to let go of a person I've known as long as I've known Brian. I know he's with Jen now (I think she's pregnant again, just guessing though) I can't seem to let go of the fact that I want to be there for him still. This would still be very painful for me though. It's hard to explain it well but I thought he was suppose to be the only one in the world who was suppose to pick me to be with. When that didn't come to fruition it made me feel hopeless, like the family thing will not be a possibility for me. It's a bit silly to think that way especially when I have so many years ahead of me but it's something that feels very real to me. It's also something I need to get over.

I still cannot seem to find peace with my job. It really is a struggle to get out of bed and come here every day. I know I only have a year left but that seems like an enormous hurdle to get over. I just zoned out May - July and the mistake I made during those months are not only pissing me off but they're pissing everyone off. But when people start micro-managing me it pisses me off more. Then it's hard to want to work and then I make mistakes and the whole vicious cycle starts over again. I know I'm the only one who can break it but a part of me just doesn't give a fuck.

As I said above I've finally decided to start making progress on the law school front. I've started early enough that I can take baby steps with it as long as I stay consistent and focused, but that's the hard part.

All in all, there are some days that are very easy for me. I can pep talk myself into being logical and sane. These days ease some of the pain. Other days are harder. These are the days when my irrational thoughts turn me paranoid and lazy. It's harder to think logically and I end up staring into space for hours or curled up in a ball crying my eyes out. These days I hope will get rarer and rarer until they disappear altogether but life can still knock me on my ass time and time again. I consider myself a pretty strong person. There are people who get knocked down as much as I have and never come up, committing themselves to self destruction. Admittedly, I've stared into the face of self destruction myself but it's all in the choices you make to stand back up and fight. I may falter but as long as I never lose I will still be me. I do like who I am, more days than not, so fighting to be me is the greatest fight I'll ever try to win.

Letting off steam

I hate being micro managed. When I took this job I was assured that I would never be micro managed. Well when you promote someone who only wants to kiss the bosses ass as the head paralegal then I end up being micro managed. Please just don't acknowledge the fact that I know what I'm doing and I do it quite well, just continue to push these asinine rules on me for the sake of the "team." Just Fuck Off!!

On a different note, I do feel a lot less dreary lately. I've still got quite the distance to go but I'm trying to tackle a few big things going on in my life. One was finally letting Brian go. As much as I hated to lose that fight especially to someone I consider such a fucking moron, it had to be done. When someone strips you of all the weapons you have to fight with you pretty much know it's time to throw in the towel. When someone hurts you, undermines you, and breaks your trust it's generally time to give them the heave ho. A part of me wants things to go down in horrible flames for him, to learn what a good thing he had in me, alas the adult part, the part that loves him even still (I'm an idiot, but I'm still in the beginning stages of grieving, just give me time), wishes for him to have a good life, for him to get everything he's ever dreamed of.

I'm finally starting to slack off less at my job. Yes to those of you who are brilliant enough to figure it out, I am typing this at work, but I do spend a lot less time on the Internet now than I use to. I was given a few more cases to handle but we'll see how long my interest is piqued. I still dream about finding a new job in New York, Washington D.C., Denver, London or even Paris but unless God grants me a fantastic miracle of a modest yet adequate monetary increase in capital, it's not happening. I realize the more I work here the more I realize how much smarter I am than this job (it doesn't help that someone has turned me on to IQ testing and I'm obsessed with them).

Tonight I'm going to try and clean my house because it is currently a major pigsty When I tune out, I really tune out and do nothing. Although I just remembered it's the opening ceremonies for the Olympics tonight, so I may be a bit distracted. Either way, I have the motivation to do it.

I'm not sure what to do about the future yet. I turn 26 on August 17th and that is scaring the hell out of me. I don't know why, my age has never been an issue for me but 30 is looming fast and I have no idea what life has in store for me. I do think I'm going to start writing personal statements though. A good friend of mine made a really good point that finally hit home, "you can be a really big fish in a small pond." I think starting at a smaller law school may not be that bad. I can always put my all into it, do really well the first year and possibly transfer to a bigger school. I've had this dream too long to start giving up on it now. It's time to push forward and prove to myself that I can make my dreams come true :)

Shunning Adulthood

I think Peter Pan or Toy R Us had the correct idea because growing up is a pain in the ass. We've all seen the 40 year old women with make-up caked on their face. They're wearing tube tops, short skirts, and platform heels. They try to hang with the "in-crowd", drink too much, smoke too much, and throw themselves at any young man walking by. I secretly desire to be one of them.

I hate that I spent my childhood and teenage years trying to be Ms. Independent. I miss being taken care of, parents handling the hard stuff, food is always in the fridge, and the electricity always being on but not having to worry about how it's always going to be on. Everything was so much easier when you only had to worry about why Jenny didn't invite you to her party. I'm just so over being an adult.

The thing is you can't quit adulthood. Strike that, I can't quit adulthood. My sister, and don't get me wrong I love her dearly, gets to quit adulthood everyday. She has three babies. When shit starts to hit the fan she doesn't have to worry because my mother will be there to pick everything up for her. The car breaks, mom pays. Car payment doesn't get made, mom pays. Need a night off from the kids, mom takes care of it. Husband going to Afghanistan, move in with mom (though I don't really begrudge her for that one).

When things go south for me the expectation is to buck up and figure it out on my own. I constantly have this crushing weight of expectation and duty. Work the job, get the advanced degree, make the money, support the needy, find the husband, make the babies, clean the house, make the dinner, strengthen the friendships, pay the bills, and more and more and more. I have thirty thousand voices in my head and I don't sleep because they never shut up. It's a dizzying marry-go-round and I want to get off.

I don't want to do it any more. My bank account makes me sick, the thought of paying my bills is like someone telling me I have to run a marathon, work is more tiring than it's worth so I don't do anything, figuring out the future is a task so daunting that I've completely shut down living anything but minute to minute, and finding a mate is just not going to happen that's a door I've shut, tightly. My apartment is messy, I haven't unpacked, I just let stuff lie where I've dropped it and frankly I don't care. I need to do laundry and yes, I know it's really gross but, it took me four days to shower because I'm just too lazy. I don't want responsibility because all it brings is disappointment and shame.

It's too hard to walk back up the hill. I don't know where my fight or die spirit went but being pushed face down in the mud makes dying look so much more appealing than fighting. I know that I need to fight and I know it's in me somewhere but I can't find it. I want to be a kid again. I want someone to take care of me. I want to lie down. I want to give up.

Emotionally Exausted

The funny thing about living on my own for as long as I have is that I've become very accustomed to not depending on other people for anything. I've done so many things that I probably would refuse to do if there were someone else around, i.e. fix my toilet, kill bugs, take out the trash, develop body twisting abilities in order to put lotion on my back and zip up tops. I also wouldn't put my own necklaces on as much as I do now, I find something strangely loving or sexy about a man who will help you put on a necklace.

It's not that I don't long for someone to share a life with but the many disappointments I've had I just can't imagine this as a reality any more. It's either not my purpose in life to be mated with someone or now is not the time. I just can't take being run through the ringer any more. I'm tired and I'm sick of guys using me for their own purposes and then once those are over they toss me aside. I just can't imagine at the moment a guy being genuinely in love with me. Everything is an act and I keep falling for it and I can't do it any more.

My mother has been single for 14 years, I don't think she's dated anyone during that time. If she can do it, I know I can. I just need something to fill that void. For her she had her children maybe I'll take a cooking class or a yoga class. I know I should probably get a dog or something but I think I inherited my father's love of animals. Maybe if my sister would have had a puppy growing up she wouldn't have had children so young. That's a quandary for another day.

I'll share a little secret with you...

I have absolutely no patience when it comes to stupid people. I'm sorry to those of you who know me because to you this is no secret. I am literally exasperated when I meet people who have no concept of the things going on around them or who cannot complete simple tasks. These are the people who use their naivety and looks to get by. I do not buy it nor do I stand idly by and take it. Seriously, if you have worked at a job for 8 months and you still don't know how to put things in numerical order, the difference between reading the word Japan and England or even United States of America, and have no idea that when it says debit note that there is a bill attached then you need to go back to kindergarten dear because somewhere along the way you failed to retain basic information about numbers and letters. I'm willing to bet large sums of money that my almost three year old nephew could manage these tasks.

I will admit that this last month has been terrible for me and I do have a quick trigger but other people are noticing. These jobs are not hard. I am currently actively creating work for myself. Dear Lord grant me some patience! It is hard to look at her and not have the fleeting thought of, why don't you just get the word idiot tattooed on your forehead so people can see you coming? I realize I have a lightening quick thought process when it comes to this job, and I can pick up things very quickly but seriously eight months and you still do not do anything correctly, it's time to go!

On a side note and completely unrelated topic...

I've had the intention of sitting down for the past three weeks and writing a blog on everything I would say to Brian if I ever got the chance to talk to him. I also have had the intention of writing a second blog on closure in regards to him. Every time I've either forgotten, it's accidentally been deleted, or I've gotten caught up in another activity and forgotten what I wanted to say. It's a little disconcerting. I think it's either a part of me not wanting to admit that I'm giving up or it's divine intervention. Sooner or later I'm going to have to deal with the fact that he and I are not seeing eye to eye on this situation. Here below is a brief synopsis of what I would say if I ever got the chance to say it. So then it's out there, it's off my chest, and I may be able to be productive.

I'm starting with a disclaimer: this is purely my perception of a woman I have only met once in my life. I, in no way, pretend to know her personally, pretend to know what her motivations are, or pretend that this is not a biased opinion because it is. That being said, why in the hell do you allow a woman who has fucked you over twice back into your life kids or no kids? You forgave her once and she was fine for like 6 months and then she went ahead and fucked another guy behind your back for 6 weeks. She told you she couldn't take having a life with you and for all intensive purposes put her lifestyle in front of her own kids. How you think she changed all that in two months or that you could forgive her for it blows my damn mind. The fact that this is the person you decided to choose over me makes me feel like shit. For ten years I've stood by your side, I've been there for you when you needed me, I've supported you in every way I know how to support someone, I've been your girlfriend, your friend, your lover, and your confidant. I listened when you told me how she wronged you, took your side without hesitation, and I gave you my heart, again. I understand that your kids are the most important thing in your life and I also understand that she will always be in your life because of it. I told you I was in love with you and you hesitated. I told you that I wanted to be closer to you and you hesitated. I told you I wanted to be in a relationship with you and you hesitated. I still waited and I still held out hope that you would see what I could give you.

You are one of the most loyal and giving parents I know. You constantly and consistently put your children's needs before your own and are fighting like hell to teach them to become the best people they can be. Your love for them shines through even in your moments of frustration. You interact with them and show them every moment you can that you love them. I'm not going to pretend to know anything about parenting because I don't nor could I at this stage in my life. The only thing I can draw upon are my own childhood experiences with two parents who stayed together for the sake of their children. It doesn't work. Children know when their parents don't love each other, don't have a mutual respect for each other, and don't trust each other. They can sense it in every interaction and they don't know it's for their sake that you are together until they're older and it's usually too late. Their knowledge of how to interact and be in relationships comes from you and it doesn't come from the words coming out of your mouth it comes from what you show them. I never knew what love between two people was until you taught it to me. I was lucky that it was from you and not someone who would take advantage of me. I would hope that you would want to teach this to your kids and not the first person that they happen to fall in love with. Don't you want to show them what a relationship is like with two people who respect each other, trust each other, admire each other, are passionate with and about each other, and exudes strength? Can you honestly say that you and Jenn are in that kind of relationship? If you can then fantastic. I'm bowing out then because I cannot be there for you when she fucks you over again, because she will fuck you over again, leopards rarely change their spots. I cannot watch a woman I have such disdain for be with you. If you can't say that about your relationship then please seriously consider all that I've done for you. I know that you are apprehensive but I love you and I want to be with you because you make me happy and I have strength and abilities that you've never known. All I'm asking for is a chance.

Ok so, this got really, really long. Sorry, but I had to get all of that out, I had to release it to the universe because it was too much to keep inside. Maybe one day I'll get to tell him all of this and maybe one day our receptionist will grow a brain. If I only get one wish or the other, make it the former instead of the latter.

Happiness truly is fleeting

I'm that girl. The one that other girls hide their boyfriends from and loath and the one that guys are afraid of but secretly are intrigued by.

I speak my mind, shoot looks across crowded rooms that chill hearts, have ambitions that trump those of most men, and I never like to be bored. I also love to make people laugh, love worrying about those I love, love to host parties and dinners, and I am a neat freak. I'm constantly hovering over this middle line between feminine and masculine. If my father's 22 year military service career had one good impact on my life, that was providing me with the ability to read any situation I'm in and be extroverted enough to meet new people and immediately know my enemies. I'm smart, both in book and street sense, I have amazing friends, truly some of the best people I've ever met, I'm fairly attractive, I've turned heads a time or two, and I know how to use all of these assets in very good ways. None of these are helping anymore.

I've hit this wall suddenly and nothing seems to satisfy anything anymore. The dreams of a great career in law have been flushed. The love of my life is doing exactly what I feared he would do and I think I somehow pushed him down that path. My job is just pissing me off I'm so bored with it and I have no desire to do it any more there is no where else for me to go but down. I have no idea how I'm going to settle the massive debt I've incurred and I'm currently desperately seeking $75. I'm sicker than a dog and I have been for 4 days, I have no idea when I will get better because I seem to just be getting worse.

Four months ago I was the happiest I've been in a long time. It was a happiness that I actually felt in my heart, you could see it on my face, and I couldn't talk without smiling. I had this amazing strength to draw from, a future to look forward to, and everything was going in an upward trajectory. I was making plans, I was going to start my life, the one I had dreamed of for so long. Now, that trajectory has made a 180 degree turn and is now pummeled way below the ground. My head is spinning and everything is dark and it's hard to gain any sort of bearing. I didn't have to time to prepare for it. I still don't think I'm prepared for it and I really think that there is more to come. It's like someone has erased a chalkboard that held all my plans, goals, dreams, determination, and motivation, but left me a few words behind. Now, I'm desperately staring at it trying to piece something together but out of the corner of my eye I see someone and it's not my knight in shinning armor to pick me up and put me together, it's someone coming to finish the erasure job.

I have only two options, go forward pick everything up and start piecing it back together or give up and just quit everything. Last time I gave up. I just don't know where to draw the strength from to go forward. I have supporters, friends and family who love me, but I can't take strength from them especially when some of them take strength from me. Where do I draw from? I'm so full of pride and I've got a nasty streak of stubbornness that I have no idea how to get through this by myself and I can't ask anyone else to help. I wouldn't know what to ask for even if I could ask. I'm not the kind of person that gives up, especially not twice, I just don't know what to do. There is no one to hold my hand, no one to prop me up, no one to dust me off. I'm a strong person but it's a hollow strength. I don't know if I can fix everything that's gone wrong, I don't know if I can survive it.

Karma is paying me back

Literally when it rains it pours. There is nothing drives me nuts more than watching dreams go up in smoke right before my eyes. It's like waving good bye to someone you love, it hurts so badly. Now I have no idea what to do, what my next move is going to be. I feel lost but oddly I've felt worse because I'm finding hope in all the situations I'm facing.

I don't know why I'm holding on to it or if I'm just a complete sucker. I just know that if I lose it all of this becomes so much more horrible. Hopefully when this is all done somethings will work in my favor, if it doesn't well, I guess I get to deal with all of this again. Here's to walking on eggshells.

Lost

There are about 10 thousand things I've been dying to say but every time I try to write it down or every time I'm about to say something, I freeze or delete. My emotions are running pretty high but I don't know how to organize everything. I'm fine, I'm calm is becoming my mantra. I smile at things that displease me and my outburst are quickly erased with laughter.

I can't say that I feel like I'm the only one of my friends that can keep her promises. That I will show up at the time I say I will show up at. That I'm actually there for and support the people I say I will. I hate being on time and having to wait around for people. I really hate having plans changed last minute because people cannot get their shit together.

I can't say that I'm hurt, confused, and so angry. I don't understand why all the support I've given you over all the years has not been reciprocated in some way. That you were absent on a day that was so important to me, that you knew was important to me. The words I love you are so easy to say, aren't they? The lack of your demonstration of them speaks louder than the words coming from your mouth. You made me feel like the ten years of history between us, the history that I thought set us on such solid ground, meant nothing. I thought it made us easier to understand each other, as it turns out that experience just made it easier to find someone to use as a way to hide from reality. Silly me to think I was special, silly me to open myself up to you, silly me to actually believe for a second that I was worthy of being loved.

I can't say that I want out, I want a do over. I want to scrap this life and find another one that may or may not fit perfectly. That I literally want to leave every single thing behind; education, family, friends, material possessions, jobs, and start fresh. Sometimes I really do think it would be better if I could just join the witness protection program and have my current life totally erased.

I can't say anything anymore. I'm the strongest person you know and I am the strongest person I know. I'm not allowed to fill any other boxes than the ones that you put me in. So, I will smile and I will be fine.

No words just feelings

I've passed the point of words, this is what is going on...

Angry, angry, angry, pisssssed off!!!!!!!!

Hurt, I don't understand, what the fuck!!! 

Where is my support, why am I always the one to care???

Love is such an easy word to say, now fucking show me...

Done, so done, I fell and now I'm broken, thanks a fucking lot.

What next??

So I did it! I took the test with out having sweaty palms, a horrible feeling in my stomach, and with complete concentration on my task. I bombed the reading comp. but did well on the other sections so I'm hoping it will kind of even itself out. Now though comes the waiting. I hate waiting. As I've said time and time again, God forgot to give me patience. I think I have enough to distract me in the coming weeks but there will always be a little nagging feeling until I get the results back.

On the other hand I've learned a lot of valuable things. I don't know why I'm continually surprised by it but I do actually have an amazing support system in my life. I've had a lot of love and a lot of showing of support over the last few month by friends, family, and co-workers. I hope one day I can repay them all for everything they've done for me. I'm truly blessed that there are genuinely good people around me.

I knew I always missed college but I didn't realize how much I missed the learning part of it. I like obtaining knowledge and learning about the world. I'm amazed by how much I don't know and how much I want to know it. I'm excited to start school again and excited to be pursuing my dreams, finally!

Calming down and living life is so much more important than sweating the small details. I need to continue to teach myself that it's ok that I can't control every situation. I need to relax, step back and sometimes just let life run it's course. I'm so busy all the time trying to build dams that I forget to see the beauty in the unknown and extraordinary things that have come into my life. I never realized how many time a day I think in a negative way until I realized how hard it was for me to come up with positive thoughts.

I can't be anyone other than me, and I can't change the people around me, so instead I'm going to try harder to learn, I'm going to try harder to love, and I'm going to try harder to find the positive.

Is that light?

One more class left, four more days to go, and a lifetime, it seems, of preparation. Now that I've built it up to be the end all be all of my existence, I need to break it down.

I'm trying to swallow the nervousness, I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying to feel like I'm as prepared as possible. I've ignored the fear, obsessed over everything else not to think about the test, and now I have to embrace it. I feel like I'm going to jump off a cliff. I know that the last couple of weeks have been unbearable for some, or maybe just for me, and I'm being dramatic but this really is everything to me right now. This is the beginning to a life that was put on hold for so many years. No pressure there right? Now, with some last minute work, I'm sending it out to the universe. I know a lot of people that have my back, there are a lot of people sending me love, encouragement, and great karma. All I need to do now is clear the cobwebs, find my strength, and kick the crap out of this test!

I have to get this out...

I have no idea if I'm trying to distract myself from my test or if the paranoia is actually justified. I have to get this down though, I have to get it out of me or else I will concentrate on nothing but this.

In this weird, twisted, "relationship" I've been having, there is only one factor that I was never quite sure about. I know he loves me and I know I love him but it was always her that I was unaware of. I know that you're family oriented, and that she would complete that but how can you throw away what we could have just to get back with someone that treated you the way she did? Now though a lot of signs are pointing to the fact that she is back in your life. A crazy part of me even thinks that she moved back in with you. It would make sense though. Moving wouldn't be a problem, you wouldn't waste gas taking the kids back and forth, and you would finally have that family that you always wanted.

What about me? If she's in then we all know I'm out. Now I'm feeling stupid, like I allowed myself to fall in love with you knowing that I could never be a part of your life. What the hell is going on?

Having a big mouth is not always a good thing

There are times in my life that I do actually sit down, look pretty and shut my mouth. I think maybe I need to start doing this more often.

I don't really have the type of personality that goes well with being demure or being shy. It's never really been my thing. If I have something to say I'm going to say it. I was graced with enough wits and enough brains to know when to be tactful or mute.

That being said, I've come close to losing my job because of this on many different occasions. I tend to be pretty insubordinate and have a problem being a bit too cocky when it comes to people in positions of authority. I really don't like it when people tell me what to do especially when I know what I'm doing. I really hate being blamed for other people's mistakes. I own up to my mistakes, I embrace them, take responsibility for them, and correct them. I don't fucking care how much of a team we are in, if you make a mistake and I get blamed for it, I will be one pissed off bitch. I pull my own weight and I get my shit done, I have no desire to deal with incompetent people or take the blame for their stupidity. You know what that makes me want to do? Nothing, that's right, no work, no help, nothing. Then you can blame me and you will have a legitimate reason to yell at me. Because I live my life to legitimize yours.

I fucking hate this. What the hell else could go wrong? I mean seriously if you're going to make it pour and not give me an umbrella or a raincoat then what the fuck is next? Lightening, tornado, hail??? I've got a bad professional life, a shitty social life, I'm an idiot when it come to my class, a non-existent sex life, and a pseudo relationship. I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I'm perpetually angry and never satisfied. Lucky me, because everyone loves an angry, self-serving, bitchy, workaholic girl. What the fuck am I doing?

Crisis of Faith

What am I doing? Seriously, what the fuck am I doing? Maybe I'm not cut out to do the lawyer thing, maybe I'm suppose to do something else. My life doesn't make sense. If I'm not suppose to be a lawyer, what am I suppose to be doing with the rest of my life?

Am I suppose to be in love with who I'm in love with? Am I suppose to be friends with the people I'm friends with? Am I suppose to be living where I'm living? Seriously??? Maybe I'm suppose to be doing everything the opposite of what I've been doing.  

Ok instead of a lawyer I should be a criminal? Instead of Brian, I should be in love with a short, fat, guy I've known for 10 minutes? Instead of my friends I should be friends with people who don't care about me, take advantage of me, and are never there for me? Instead of living in Minnesota I should live in Mississippi? I doesn't get more opposite than that. 

I don't know anymore. I don't know what's right for me. I don't know if I'm doing what I'm suppose to be doing. I don't know if everything I ever thought was right, everything that I've planned my life for , everything that feels familiar is actually wrong. Then what am I suppose to be doing? What am I killing myself for? Where is my life going? 

I'm so lost, I'm so confused. Two weeks until a test that I don't know if I can do well on and that may or may not determine where I'm going. 

No Explanation

I'm pretty much at a loss for words with what is going on with me right now.

I'm almost convinced that I'm sane for about 10 days out of the month and the rest of the days are filled with a sort of emotional mess going on in my brain. I don't know if my brain is tired from so much studying or if I'm just severely fucked up.

I wish I could put into words what I'm feeling but there is no easy way to describe it. I'm happy one minute and thankful for everyone and everything in my life, the next minute I'm paranoid that it's all an illusion that I'm simply fooling myself into believing , and the next I'm pissed because I have convinced myself that everyone is lying to me that I'm really filling my life with people that are only using me for their own personal gains.

I've hyped up a test to be the be all and end all of my life, I'm in love with someone I can't see, I create an illusion of working when there is no work being done, and I manage to get up every morning and convince myself that everything is ok when in fact I can only see things minute to minute because if I look much farther ahead than that, the stress and pressure will, I think, literally kill me.

I'm angry and lonely and happy and insecure and confused and sad and stressed. I'm a bottle of Prozac and a millionaire away from happiness. I don't know when everything got so hard and so easy all at the same time. For about three years I've balanced precariously on a tightrope, falling on one side or the other every so often. The rope kept getting higher and higher and now I feel like I'm hanging on for dear life because there's no net.

If I fall this time, I'm afraid I won't get up from it. Worse yet, I don't know if my friends or family will be able to save me again. I'm just waiting for the strength to come to pull myself up. I'm waiting for this miracle that may never come.

PMS + Idiots = One Pissed Off Bitch

Seriously!!!??? Seriously!!??

I HATE!!! technology. Just fucking hate it. Why in God's green earth am I spending my entire effing morning doing updates on my Adobe software because the mother eff'in USPTO cannot update their shit properly???? And speaking of the USPTO, where in the hell did they find and hire the people they call their support staff?? Did they seriously take fucking pity on the entire homeless population of Washington D.C. and allow these fuckers to work their phones?? I mean seriously I was on the phone for two damn hours to hear the phrase "well I'm sorry I have no idea why they would say it was expired for 24 months when it's only been expired for 4 months, maybe you should fax it in." Seriously two fucking hours for someone to tell me to fax it in!!! AHHHHHH!!!

Oh and don't even get me started on "training people." Why the fuck don't I just do it all myself? Exhibit A and Exhibit B cannot be the same thing!!!!! You cannot enter in two Exhibits that are the same thing, how many fucking ways, and fucking times can I say this??? Do you speak English??? Do I need to explain the definition of same?? People wonder why I don't give them work to do for me, I can shoot through 27 things before the coffee is done brewing, imagine how many things I can do after I've had a cup.

Oh and family, I love you dearly but if one more person asks how the slide show is going, I am going to disown you. I have a test, a very, very important test on June 16th. If you think this thing is getting done before then you are mistaken. I have pride and I have an amazing work ethic, both will allow me to do this right and get it done on time.

Too tired and busy to be emotional

Just a quick note here...

So I've been working about 9 hours a day and then studying or going to class for about 3 - 3.5 hours everyday which doesn't leave me much time for anything else. I literally have put all my energies into doing well on my LSAT. I now look at the world in terms of argument progression and argumentative flaws. I don't know if I've stopped feeling emotional or just replaced the insanity that surges through my idle brain with the logical arguments that I'm trying to master. The emotions all seem so petty now, what's up with that? Two months ago I was going to commit myself for being a raging, bitch, alcoholic and now I've simmered and though I'm still confused and have no idea what I'm doing it's not effecting me as much. Geez, maybe I should have just gotten a hobby to obsess over.

Blessings

So, after reading my 24 posts, in less than a month, it occurs to me that I have many blessings in my life that I'm not thankful enough for. I came to this conclusion this morning while at the dentist's office.

Blessings

1) I apparently am gifted with good genetics when it comes to teeth. I was told that I have amazing teeth and if I don't drink too much soda, I will never have cavities and never lose my teeth. Yeah! No dentures for me :)

2) I have really good friends. I like to think I was blessed with a really good judgment of character so I pick amazing people to be friends with. Honestly, they are always there for me, they listen and support me, and they have my best interests at heart. Really, I'm friends with some of the most amazing people in the world.

3) I have an amazing mother. Seriously, she taught me so much about myself, and she taught me so much about how to interact with other people. She is so strong and so inspiring. I've said it many times before and it's so true, I will be a lucky woman if I end up with half her strength and intelligence.

4) I am an intelligent person. By no means can I calculate the complex equations involved with quantum mechanics or aerospace technology but, I can carry on an adult conversation about current events, literature, politics, economics, or any other liberal art and some physical sciences and be able to hold my own and not sound like a douche. If someone tells me something and I don't understand a part of what they're saying you better believe that I'm going to look it up and figure out what they're talking about. I like being in the know.

5) I'm pretty damn cute. I've had many positive comments on the following things: hair, clothes, weight, eyes, ass, breasts, legs, smile, and face. These have not all been given to me by friends, family members or boyfriends, some have been given to me by perfect strangers. This all leads me to believe that I am at least cute, if not pretty, and maybe bordering on beautiful.

6) I am not starving, malnourished, wanting for water, or living on the street. I live a pretty decent, albeit hard working, middle class lifestyle. Though at the moment I am missing the "nuclear family," I still find myself enjoying where I'm at with my life.

All in all, not bad! Even though life is sort of wonky right now, I have a lot of things in my life that make it a pretty decent life.

Sleep

I'm not sure why but for about two weeks now I have been unable to sleep. I had a very long day yesterday, came home about 10:15 and passed out on my couch. I woke up at 11:30, exhausted, took my contacts out and laid in bed for 2 1/2 hours, wide awake.

I know there is a lot on my mind. There are a shit ton of issues that I'm worried about, a lot of things going on in my life, but seriously just let me sleep. I cannot shut the dull roar of stress, jealously, desire, and the unknown out of my head. I lay down and pictures fly through my head like a power point presentation on crack. They don't even have a decent stream of consciousness. I'll see my baby and then a bank statement. My father and then a dentist appointment. I mean seriously! The bags under my eyes are so dark I look like I've been in a three day boxing match.

I'm tired and lazy when I get home so the homework that I've had a week to do, has not been done. The pictures for my slideshow have been moved from my home to my office but I don't have the money to actually send them. Bad things are not coming in threes for me they're coming in twelves. Can I just get one area of my life to work? Monetarily, personally, professionally, habitually, they're all pretty fucked up right now. Up/down, black/white, ketchup/mustard, it's all not making sense. Nothing is matching up.

The scales of justice are not balancing. What in the hell did I do so they're tipped so unfairly against me? I know karma's a bitch and uses her prowess to play dirty tricks, but seriously give me something. Give me a break, let something go my way.

The Real Life game of Risk

I was having a conversation last night with a guy I've known for a number of years and the game Risk came up. I challenged that I could beat him at Risk even though said guy has actually been in the military and is a Republican (he somehow thinks Repubs. are more strategic than Dems., whatever). So what, besides my political science background and stunning intellectual prowess, qualifies me to make such a claim? Simply put, I'm a girl.

I know, stop the presses, this just in, put it on the Time Square ticker, but think about it, woman are a very strategic species (yep, we're a new species now). All of our interactions with other people, especially other females, are measured in economic factors (rate of return, supply vs. demand, gross domestic product) and politics (what can I tell this person to get what I want, how many people is this person connected to).

We all fight battles to try and win the war that is life. The biggest battles we fight though are those that involve love. We battle others and we battle our potential partners. I know I at least need to know that my partner in life can sustain a good debate with me. I honestly do not want to be sitting on the couch with him when we're 60 years old and not be able to carry on a conversation let alone not have that passion that comes with two people taking different side of an argument and defending their positions (seriously this is the sole reason why I would marry a Republican, having a civil, passionate debate is so hot!).

The battle with others, now that's just plan fun. Now, I'm not talking about stealing married men away from their wives, that's child’s play, easy shit, and quite honestly pretty low. I'm talking about battling other girls for a guy's affection. I may be a little bit evil and it may be my guilt pleasure but winning is such an awesome feeling! Ok, ok, I realize that this might sound a little freaky to some people but I have a wicked competitive streak in me, and honestly what I'm talking about is no different than winning a sporting competition this time though it's life/love. Think what you will but it is so much fun looking at a person's face when they realize that they've just lost the prize (seriously how is the view from the pavement?). I forgot to preface all this though with make sure the prize you're fighting for is one you want to keep and not one you're going after because you just want that feeling of winning.

One down, one to go. Unfortunately, it's the harder of the two. Can she do it? I might need a Hail Mary play on this one.

The Gambler

"You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away, and know when to run. You never count your money, when you're sittin' at the table. There'll be time enough for countin', when the dealings done."

Now, I've never been much for country but this seems to be a song that's followed me all through out life. It's a great metaphor for life and all the trials and tribulations it brings you but the song always seems to come up when I'm dealing with love. 

Like I said below (in another post) I was never blessed to know what a good relationship looks like. I know how to love, what love feels like, but when it comes to parlaying that into a good relationship, it always falls short. 

I'm in limbo right now. I'm stuck somewhere in between friendship and relationship and I can't seem to make the leap into one or the other. I know where I'm at and I know where he's at and I don't know how to get this level. Friends have voiced their concerns, parents and siblings have dispensed their advice and their fears, and still my mind races like a raving mad lunatic. 

I don't hold the right cards. The cards I have are playable but, it will take a lot of skill and a lot of luck to win. I kind of know what my adversary may hold but I'm not quite sure. I know his motives and some of his tells but a surprise is always a possibility. 

I need to talk to him but, his coy ploys at unavailability are what is keeping me in limbo. 

Up and down goes the yo-yo, I've been here before, I just don't know if I can get out again.

Mom's

Yes, I know its kitsch and everyone is probably writing about their mother because Mother's Day is on Sunday but I don't really care.


Moms are amazing people. They have a capacity for love that is quite unfathomable. They're self-sacrificing, have an undeniable amount of strength, have a mind that's filled with knowledge about the most diverse topics, and put up with tantrums, mood-swings, ungratefulness, and sometimes even hatred. It's a thankless job, it takes forever to see the returns for the years of work you put in and the stress and pressure often leads to mental breakdowns.


My mother is no exception. My parents were married until I was 13. My dad well, we'll just call him an absentee father (don't get me wrong, I love my dad but, parenting skills were never his forte). So, I was basically raised by my mother, and after their separation I really was raised by my mother. She has a strength that I can't even begin to describe. She showed her love in so many different ways but never compromised on teach us good morals and ethics. She never missed volleyball games, dance recitals, play openings, basketball games, football games, band concerts, choir concerts, swim meets, or anything else the three of us were involved in. She wielded punishments in a fair way, and though a couple of times she lost her temper, she knew when to scold and when to let us fall on our faces. She hugged us when we cried, chided us into laughing when we were mad for silly reasons, listened to us while we were ranting, and dispensed advice whether we wanted to hear it or not. She raised us well while working two jobs, going to school, and being a community leader for our church, did I mention this was after she separated from my father? She encouraged us to dream, set goals, defy expectations, and instilled in all of us a very strong work ethic (although I suspect we get this from dad as well).

I am able to be the woman I am because of her. I have the values and a moral compass that points in a good direction because of her. I will someday be a good mother because of her. I am who I am in everyway because of her.

Writing the pain

I should never have done it. It should have stayed in the box where it belonged. I took it out and I allowed myself to hope for it, allowed myself to feel it, allowed myself to be consumed by it again. I never should have done it. I don't know why I thought it could be different that I wouldn't be disappointed or hurt but it happens every time and I always say never again. 

I guess I don't deserve it. I've pissed someone off way too many times and they took it away. I must not be able to take care of it or nurture it properly because every time I get bit in the ass. I need to put it back now, just an artifact to keep and look at through glass. 

It felt different this time, more intense, more familiar, more real. I guess that's what happens when it's been away for so long. I'm not strong enough to control it. So, it's better if it goes back to the box were only I can appreciate it from afar. 

Alone. Now and forever, it's a safer place to be.  Alone. It's a familiar place for me. Alone. No more wishing for we. 

Unable to find peace

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's what's going on inside of me right now. No more drama, please no more drama.

I don't want to here how fucked up our clients are, how important a deadline is, how I fucked up a date, how you don't know how to do anything I've asked you to do.

I don't want to hear that I was just assigned the longest homework assignment yet, that I'm behind on my homework, that my SCORE IS NOT IMPROVING even though I paid your ass $1250.

I don't want to hear that I have a bad attitude that I'm too overbearing to be shift leader, that I can ONLY MAKE $100 after working 15 hours.

I don't care that you have a drinking problem, I still love you but seriously, deal with the demons and fix that shit before I visit you in the hospital when you are getting a new liver, I don't care who you are in love with, I still love you but seriously, if the person you love doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated, if the person you love doesn't support your growth as a person, then for fucks sake realize that you are better than that and find the person that makes you a better person or at least appreciates all that you bring to the table, I don't care that there are other people in your life that are more important than I am, I still love you but seriously, know that I am strong enough, have the capabilities to grow, and that I have abilities you have never known me to possess a chance is all I want, I don't care that you have given up on our friendship, I still love you but seriously, I'm not a perfect person, I have flaws and nuances that even I don't like, I'm trying to work on them but if you can't accept the flaws in me then were we ever really friends in the first place?

I don't care that my life is reaching overload proportions. I don't care that I hate feeling helpless to stop the insanity that races through my mind. I don't care that I can't sleep. I don't care that I don't eat well. I don't care that I'm losing weight for absolutely no good reason. I don't care that I have cracks in my heart, holes in my head, and emotions that swing wilder than a manic depressive person (i.e. Britney).

I can't control life and I can't control the people in my life. Why is one day so good and one day so bad? Will I die before any of this ever gets easier? I want the life of one of those socialites who only have to worry about whether or not her roots are showing. I would so gladly give up my determination, aspirations, intelligence, and attitude to live that life.

Calm, Calm, Calm, when does it come?

Deriving happiness from others...

I've been noticing a lot lately that friends of mine are relying and basing a lot of their happiness on other people. Don't get me wrong I'm doing it right now at the moment as well. It's really kind of hard to deny. I feel a lot happier and I act a lot happier since a certain someone has come back into my life. Does that mean that I couldn't be happy without him? When does getting your happiness from others cross the line from healthy to unhealthy?

It's a really hard call. We are all dependent on some form of interaction whether that be with people, animals, or even plants. Even hermits that live in the middle of a forest in Montana interact with some kind of flora or fauna. So there must be some innate reason for our need of interaction. We crave for people to like us, accept us, and to form some kind of relationship with us. This sometimes overrides our own desires and we end up taking on the qualities our partner deems important instead of those that we have already formed. If you haven't already formed your identity or your own qualities then that person doesn't really even know you or just wants you to become the clone of the person or at least being built as the model that a certain person wants. Then, you are no better than a robot or computer, the person has created you to do and act how he/she wants you to act.

We are sometimes so desperate for love that we overlook what is good about ourselves, what makes us unique, or what our values are. We sacrifice everything to feel the thrill and the rush that comes with the "honeymoon period" of love. When those feelings subside we are left with a shell, a person who we once were, and an unrecognizable form of the things that made us once so us. 

This is not everyone though. Sometimes our timing with who we are with ourselves aligns just correctly with the prospect of love. Both people come into it knowing exactly who they are, what their expectations are, and how the two can work together instead of one overpowering the other. This is when love is at it's strongest. When you know exactly who you are, when you are happy and comfortable with yourself first, the strongest relationships form when you bring that to the table and find someone who doesn't want to change or let you change it.

I know it sounds corny but finding happiness in yourself first, learning who you are first, figuring out what your expectations are, figuring out what you will not compromise, all lead to a better chance of a lasting relationship than one that you just throw yourself into because you're too afraid that no one else will come along. If someone asks you the question, "who are you" and you can't answer that without somehow adding your significant other into your explanation then just maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship. 

And now I am done with my Sex in the City post. 

Why Hillary Clinton should be president

I wrote a brilliant post on why Hillary Clinton should be president. It had history, political science references, everything and then I accidentally deleted it, and now I am pissed. Why the fuck is there no undo button!!!!!

Giving Space

Why is it so hard to give the ones we love some kind of space? Do we actually believe if we don't talk to or see a person all the time that they will forget who we are? Is it really that important to get all of our answers today? Will the question cease to be there tomorrow? Why is love mixed with such exquisite pain? Why are we so afraid of honesty? Does lying ever make anything better? Is it ever helpful to hold onto things that need to be said, want to be said, have to be said, because we're too afraid that our answer will never be the one we imagined in our head? Can the act of loving someone be strong enough to surpass all the hardships in life? Why should we roll over and lose when we're strong enough to keep fighting? Can a love cultivated and nurtured over 10 years be erased by space and timing?