No Explanation

I'm pretty much at a loss for words with what is going on with me right now.

I'm almost convinced that I'm sane for about 10 days out of the month and the rest of the days are filled with a sort of emotional mess going on in my brain. I don't know if my brain is tired from so much studying or if I'm just severely fucked up.

I wish I could put into words what I'm feeling but there is no easy way to describe it. I'm happy one minute and thankful for everyone and everything in my life, the next minute I'm paranoid that it's all an illusion that I'm simply fooling myself into believing , and the next I'm pissed because I have convinced myself that everyone is lying to me that I'm really filling my life with people that are only using me for their own personal gains.

I've hyped up a test to be the be all and end all of my life, I'm in love with someone I can't see, I create an illusion of working when there is no work being done, and I manage to get up every morning and convince myself that everything is ok when in fact I can only see things minute to minute because if I look much farther ahead than that, the stress and pressure will, I think, literally kill me.

I'm angry and lonely and happy and insecure and confused and sad and stressed. I'm a bottle of Prozac and a millionaire away from happiness. I don't know when everything got so hard and so easy all at the same time. For about three years I've balanced precariously on a tightrope, falling on one side or the other every so often. The rope kept getting higher and higher and now I feel like I'm hanging on for dear life because there's no net.

If I fall this time, I'm afraid I won't get up from it. Worse yet, I don't know if my friends or family will be able to save me again. I'm just waiting for the strength to come to pull myself up. I'm waiting for this miracle that may never come.