There are about 10 thousand things I've been dying to say but every time I try to write it down or every time I'm about to say something, I freeze or delete. My emotions are running pretty high but I don't know how to organize everything. I'm fine, I'm calm is becoming my mantra. I smile at things that displease me and my outburst are quickly erased with laughter.
I can't say that I feel like I'm the only one of my friends that can keep her promises. That I will show up at the time I say I will show up at. That I'm actually there for and support the people I say I will. I hate being on time and having to wait around for people. I really hate having plans changed last minute because people cannot get their shit together.
I can't say that I'm hurt, confused, and so angry. I don't understand why all the support I've given you over all the years has not been reciprocated in some way. That you were absent on a day that was so important to me, that you knew was important to me. The words I love you are so easy to say, aren't they? The lack of your demonstration of them speaks louder than the words coming from your mouth. You made me feel like the ten years of history between us, the history that I thought set us on such solid ground, meant nothing. I thought it made us easier to understand each other, as it turns out that experience just made it easier to find someone to use as a way to hide from reality. Silly me to think I was special, silly me to open myself up to you, silly me to actually believe for a second that I was worthy of being loved.
I can't say that I want out, I want a do over. I want to scrap this life and find another one that may or may not fit perfectly. That I literally want to leave every single thing behind; education, family, friends, material possessions, jobs, and start fresh. Sometimes I really do think it would be better if I could just join the witness protection program and have my current life totally erased.
I can't say anything anymore. I'm the strongest person you know and I am the strongest person I know. I'm not allowed to fill any other boxes than the ones that you put me in. So, I will smile and I will be fine.
I'm not Russian nor am I a Princess (though some would argue that point). It's an attitude, an embodiment and a way to describe a personality that is indescribable. This blog is me, a conduit for temporary emotions that are almost always extreme. It's a way to stop myself from living the life of a lonely alcholic that talks to her cats.
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