Forward... March...

So it's been awhile. I'm sorry. Shit's been interesting for me lately. My internal monologue is going nuts and, though I know I'm not crazy, my internal dialogue has been in flux.

I'll start from today and go backwards since my last post on August 8th.

I've basically for the past two weeks done nothing but devour Stephanie Meyer's book series "Twilight." There are four 550 - 750 page books and online there is a partial draft of Midnight Sun (an unreleased part of the series). I've done nothing during this time but eat, sleep, work, and read (with the exception of one outing to the State Fair). I know it's bizarre but I'm in love with this world she's created. I'm utterly heartbroken that I've finished reading them. I can honestly say I've never been pulled into fiction quite like this before. I feel like I've been on drugs for 2 weeks and now I'm suffering from withdrawals. I know this seems crazy to some people but I lost myself in that world. I'll never be able to describe perfectly how it feels but I fell in love with the characters, lost myself in the writing, and now that I'm done I feel like I've lost a best friend or a lover. You can call me crazy but these books have an impact on my life.

I had Monday, September 1st off for Labor Day. I had great plans to clean my apartment and start writing my personal statements but instead I did nothing. I did manage to pick the law schools I'm applying to:
1) Brooklyn Law School
2) University of Minnesota (this one would have never occurred to me but they e-mailed me so I figured I would give it a shot)
3) University of Denver
4) University of D.C.
5) John Marshall Law School
6) New England Law School
7) New York Law School

Of this list 1-3 are highly unlikely but I'm going to give it a shot and 4-7 hold greater possibilities for acceptance. There are only a couple of these school that have their applications up so, I'm going to have to wait awhile until I can start applying. I have a lot to do until then though, figure out why I want to go to law school, write my personal statements, get my letters of recommendation, and figure out how to pay my application fees. This should keep me busy.

On August 31st I was asked to be Godmum for my niece who's baptism will be October 5th. I will be godmother to all my sister's children then. This is not really all that surprising since I told her that if anything happened to her and her husband that I would raise her children. I know it's something that's easy to say when they're both healthy as horses but I truly mean it. I know I can handle the challenge because I love those kids more than life and I would die to protect them.

On August 27th I went to the State Fair with a group of friends which was a lot of fun. There were little dramas that popped up here and there but I mostly tried to stay out of it and just enjoy human interaction with people I enjoy being around. This is one of the first years though I actually was able to hit some of the political booths thanks to my friend Bart being there. Though Bart is a raging conservative we still had a fun bet involving the exchanging of political buttons. Though I did find a little bit of glee in telling Norm Colman I did not want my picture taken with him.

On August 26th we finally fired the very incompetent and stupid girl I've blogged so much about. The kicker is that she wasn't fired for being bad at her job she was fired for stealing from the company. Who in all honesty uses their firm credit car for personal use and then tries to cover it up by stealing the bill? Stupid, stupid, stupid. It's better now though. Even though I have to mail my own letters (tragic isn't it?) it's so much better to work with mostly more competent people. At least that's one less person I have to pretend to like. If you think I'm being mean then you work with her for 9 months. Please try not to pull all your hair out though, I don't think you'll look good bald.

The 17th of August was my 26th birthday. I was up at Lisa's cabin with a close group of friends. It was different than other birthday I've had, I'm not really a foresty-nature kind of girl but I'm realizing that it doesn't really matter where you spend your birthday it's all about who you're with. Not that I didn't have fun because it was a ton of fun and very relaxing not having to worry about anything. I was a little disappoint that a few good friends of mine forgot about my birthday. I guess I need to realize that people do not put the importance on birthdays the way I do. I did have a great time though and that's all that matters.

August 8th - August 24th I had a bad case of Olympic fever. I've never been so into the Olympics before but I really enjoyed watching them this year. I very much enjoyed watching Michael Phelps' races, the men's and women's gymnasts, the men's volleyball team, the beach volleyball teams, and even a little bit of track and field events. America competed well this year and our country was well represented.

Though all those activities have been great at keeping me distracted my emotions have been all over the map lately. Though I did try and cut ties with Brian it's been quite a struggle. It's hard to let go of a person I've known as long as I've known Brian. I know he's with Jen now (I think she's pregnant again, just guessing though) I can't seem to let go of the fact that I want to be there for him still. This would still be very painful for me though. It's hard to explain it well but I thought he was suppose to be the only one in the world who was suppose to pick me to be with. When that didn't come to fruition it made me feel hopeless, like the family thing will not be a possibility for me. It's a bit silly to think that way especially when I have so many years ahead of me but it's something that feels very real to me. It's also something I need to get over.

I still cannot seem to find peace with my job. It really is a struggle to get out of bed and come here every day. I know I only have a year left but that seems like an enormous hurdle to get over. I just zoned out May - July and the mistake I made during those months are not only pissing me off but they're pissing everyone off. But when people start micro-managing me it pisses me off more. Then it's hard to want to work and then I make mistakes and the whole vicious cycle starts over again. I know I'm the only one who can break it but a part of me just doesn't give a fuck.

As I said above I've finally decided to start making progress on the law school front. I've started early enough that I can take baby steps with it as long as I stay consistent and focused, but that's the hard part.

All in all, there are some days that are very easy for me. I can pep talk myself into being logical and sane. These days ease some of the pain. Other days are harder. These are the days when my irrational thoughts turn me paranoid and lazy. It's harder to think logically and I end up staring into space for hours or curled up in a ball crying my eyes out. These days I hope will get rarer and rarer until they disappear altogether but life can still knock me on my ass time and time again. I consider myself a pretty strong person. There are people who get knocked down as much as I have and never come up, committing themselves to self destruction. Admittedly, I've stared into the face of self destruction myself but it's all in the choices you make to stand back up and fight. I may falter but as long as I never lose I will still be me. I do like who I am, more days than not, so fighting to be me is the greatest fight I'll ever try to win.