1) When did I become so damn jaded?
Seriously, when? I feel like I am constantly in Eeyore mode and I've been that way for a very, very long time. It's like my black cloud will not leave me, tut, tut, it's constantly raining. I'm so pessimistic about everything. I lost my optimism somewhere, perhaps I left it in the bottom of my half empty glass. I delude myself into thinking sometimes that everything is bright and shinny but there always seems to be black clouds on the horizon, waiting to cover everything. I just secretly envy people who can see the good, the positive in everything. They're so delightfully annoying with their everything will be ok pep talks and their the grass is always greener slogans. These are the people that I've always wanted to bind and gag and then ask if they really want to see all the fish in the sea. I just can't help thinking that I'll never get to think that way, I have a hard time remembering if I ever did.
2) When did I become so excepting of ignoring my own mortality?
It's not like I'm bungee jumping off of every high surface that I see, but I definitely walk into situations that people don't normally walk into. For example, I was walking through downtown Minneapolis and a group of my friends had parked in a different place than I had. In front of us was an all out brawl in the street moving in the direction of where I parked my car. I told my friends good night and walked towards my car by myself. To me this was nothing, but the looks of horror and concern on their faces should have told me it was a bad idea. I started to walk to my car but my guy friends insisted on walking me there. Or another example could be my Vegas disappearing act. I dream about bad stuff, dangerous things, happening to me and rather than scare me, it excites me, longing for the challenge of staying alive or not. I don't get it things that I should be concerned with I'm just not. Maybe I've been incredibly lucky to always have someone there to pull me back from the edge but the things that bug normal people do not bug me.
3) When did I slip into indifference?
My enthusiasm for life seems to fade in and out like sunlight through clouds. One minute I'm all about moving forward and get this show on the road and the next minute I'm lying on my couch staring into space watching everything slow to a grinding halt. I escape any way I can that's legal because I cannot bare to put my family through the strain of having a drug addled, co-dependent, worthless person to take care of. There are times when I've stopped being a player in my own life. I just sit on the sidelines and watch as everything passes by. "Does anybody know what we are living for?" I've never questioned the fact that I believe I have an incredible amount of strength. There are days though that it takes all of it to get myself out of bed and ready for the day. There are also some days that even with using all the force of that strength that I cannot make myself even lift my head. One step seems like a million and two seems like the most impossible task.
I'm blessed with incredible self-awareness but that can only take a girl so far. The way I see myself is very different from the way that most people perceive me. Things about me surprise people all the time. I create this illusion of being an open book without actually having to be. It's become an unconscious reaction to people and situations. I know who I am but you will never know me because I can't afford for people to really know me. Their disappointment would crush me.
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