So fuck it all and here is all is in a nut shell.
I'm 26 and I don't like to go out and drink my life away any more. I use to do it, I use to get a strange rush after binging and then not remembering anything. There is nothing fun about forgetting parts of your life, ask anyone with Alzheimer's, why in the fuck would anyone want to give themselves early on-set Alzheimer?? It does suck how much this limits myself from my current group of friends, they see it as kicking them out of my life and not wanting to hang out any more, I see it more as not having much in common any more. While my drunk stories are fun for people to recount over and over again it sucks for me because I get to stand there like an idiot and own them.
I like to sit at home by myself and watch t.v, be on my computer, listen to music, or talk on my phone. I don't care that it's an isolating activity because I already know how to disappoint myself and I'm better at controlling that than controlling other people. I also like to hang out with my friends and I'm not afraid of new people or new situations. Call it introvert or call it extrovert but we all have a little of each, I just tend to have a lot of both.
I get stressed and I blog, eat a lot, eat nothing, yell, cry, or I do all of the above but I do it all my way. I can throw a party for being depressed or I can throw one for celebrating my brilliance, but at the end of the day everyone around you can disappear leaving you with only yourself, will you be happy with yourself, because I already know who I am, and I like myself.
I can do anything and fuck you very much and I will. Call it a God complex, call it 20 something invisibility, but I can do anything. The possibilities in life are in fact endless and I can take whatever path I choose and run with it. I live in a free society and I can choose my own destiny. Why the fuck am I letting my friends and my fears stop me?? I live under most of the same constraints as everyone else, crushing debt, job responsibilities, family and friend, but I can do whatever I want to do, so I should just suck it up and do it.
Yes, I live in my own bubble. The fantasies and situations in my head are probably a very different perception than the ones in your head. I am working on it but for fucks sake I don't have to worry about anyone but me. I do realize that there are people who I interact with and that my action do effect them in some way shape or form but as far as it being my first or second reaction to think about the people around me, it just isn't. Those I care about receive more consideration than most but at the end of the day I live in a bubble and the first thing I think about is me. Egocentric? Yes, it is but I find as I grow older and I make my self more aware of the things going on around me it make it easier to think about others. That being said I still assume people know thing that are blatantly obvious to me but may not be to others. I hate it when people explain the obvious to me, so I tend not to explain what I perceive to be obvious.
I hate it when people second guess me. I'm not perfect, even I can admit that, but fuck!! even if I'm wrong I still get to learn a less when I fail. I may hate learning that lesson, I may complain about it, and I may want to jump off a bridge because I had to learn it but let me make my own decisions. I'm sick of being judged for the decisions I make. I make most mistakes once some twice but even when I drive my car two hundred miles an hour towards a brick wall trust that either I know what I'm doing or that when I screw up I will know not to do it again. We all learn just as much from our mistakes as we learn from our successes.
My life is at the moment not my idea of an ideal life. I believe in God but have no idea why this is life he had planned for me. I read something recently that intrigued me about this. Maybe God is just as helpless as we all are. Maybe he's not a puppet master pulling all the strings and making all the decisions but instead a passenger sitting besides us being our cheerleader, mourning our losses and disappointments, or resting his reassuring hand on our shoulder. That he plays an active role and not just a passive one. I'm beginning to think this is more of a possibility. There is not some omnipresence to blame our downfalls on but instead we have to look to ourselves. In that case there are relationships that I have with people that I don't understand. When the person you befriended in the beginning is not the same person they are now, and you've changed too, what is there to base a friendship on? When you can't be with someone you've known for a number of years and they know you just as well or better than you know yourself, what do you do? When you found a very compatible companion when you were 15 and you chose different paths that look like they will never cross again, do you keep your faith and hope or do you drop it all and settle or find something similar? When your dreams scare you do you give them up or fight the fear until your dream becomes what they once were?
Finally, What do you do when life comes knocking at your door, wearing boxing gloves, hungry for a fight? Do you shut the door and cower under you bed? Or, do you stand straight, spit it it's face and throw the first punch? Religion, your mother, your best friend, your husband/wife, your boyfriend/girlfriend, nor can you children tell you how to run your life. They might be considerations in the decision, some stronger than others, but letting them dictate what to do with your life makes it no longer your life. So I'm now choosing to live my life, my way, and whether you believe in my interpretation of how God's guidance works or not, he's got his hand on my shoulder and I'm diving in head first.
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