Writing because I have to start somewhere

I've told myself for about a month and a half that I'm going to start writing my personal statements tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. The thing about tomorrow is that there is always another tomorrow to push it to. 

I don't know why I can't write them, I keep saying it's writer's block but I don't think that's quite right. The fact of the matter is I keep losing excitement, for everything. I'm going to New York in less than a month, it's Christmas time, friend's Thanksgiving is less than a week away, I'm applying for law school and none of this excites me. This world is a bitch and the people around me are, lets face it, cruel.  I've been excited about many of these things before only to be met with snide comments, protestation, and horrible jokes. Yes I'm strong but for fucks sake back the fuck off once and a while. Why can't I just be happy without someone shitting all over it and bringing me down??

I must be a real fool to think that my enthusiasm for something means anything to people. Why when you're having a bad day am I the person people shit all over? 

Maybe it's not other people though, maybe it's just me. Maybe I've grown so cynical and so jaded that I can't be excited about anything anymore. What is the point really? The build up that excitement brings just lead to a much bigger fall when you're disappointed. Let's face it, were always disappointed. Nothing is perfect and nothing ever goes according to plan so why have the expectation for such when human nature dictates that something is only as good as it's weakest link. A happy face is merely a facade for a person that is ready to rip your face off. 

Why do I want to go to law school?? I need a change. I need to feel like I'm going forward again instead of down the backwards slope I feel I'm beginning to fall into. I want to learn something again that will challenge me, that I can't devour and spit back out in 30 seconds. I want intelligent discussion about the law and politics that doesn't keep me afraid of offending or boring someone. I want to be challenged. I want my life to have a purpose and a meaning to it. I want my sense of self worth back, like I'm doing something that I'm meant to be doing. Mostly, I want to feel excited again.