Swirling Mania of Life

I'm at best average and at worst the carbon copy of everyone else. If that makes no sense to you, maybe it shouldn't. I realized the last thing I wrote had nothing to do with me as a person but showed you more of a side I show the world. Fact of the matter is most of the time I have no idea what I'm doing, where I'm going, or who I'm going to be when it's all finished. 

When I'm afraid I shut down, push things out of the way and try my best to forget about what it is that's freaking me out. I hate getting that embarrassing internal "what the fuck did you do and why did you do it feeling." I try my ass off never to feel that way. In the process though I forget to live my life. I'm so freaked out about being rejected that even though I talk over and over and over again about leaving in 8 months to go to law school I cannot seem to pick up a piece of paper and start writing about why I want to go to law school. I'm afraid that I will have to pick a different path for my life. 

I'm afraid of letting go of the love and the hope that I have with Brian. I'm so comfortable with him that it's so easy to fall into the feelings and even the intensity of the feeling that I had when we were kids. Not that I would ever stop loving him but I need to be ok with the fact that we are different people with very different paths and those paths may not cross and lead to where I would like them to. The love I have for him should be turned into the love I have for all my friends. Finding that line is a hard journey.

I need to know that I can go out and have fun with my friends and not be afraid of turning into the out of control party girl who doesn't stand up and say no to any kind of liquor. I can have fun and not drink. I can drink and not do it in excess. I fear not what others think of me, but in all honesty I do care about the opinions of me by the people I love, but what can become of me when I don't have control over myself. 

These are all, in my opinion, legitimate fears that I have and have had before. The thing is I always feared the what if more than I feared anything else. What if I don't do this, will I regret it? I think as of late I've been living the opposite, "I don't care if I'll regret it, I just want to feel safe." The exterior illusion I put on is one of drive and ambition inside I'm scared shitless and though this isn't the first time I've been scared shitless it's the first time my internal mantra has not been "it's ok to be afraid but it's worse if you don't try," my current mantra stops at "it's ok to be afraid." 

As of late I've waxing more concrete and less organic. The whys and the internal workings have been the things I'm placing more value on, less fly by the seat of your pants and more flying in the seat of an airplane. Everything seems to work out best when you find the mean, the place in the middle between the two that's a healthy dose of both. The problem is the middle means giving up something on both sides. Do you jump off the cliff and fall or do you sit on the side of the cliff and just look down? Where is the half way between falling and sitting? Falling with the aid of a safety net? But then doesn't the whole vicious cycle start all over again?

The questions and worries that I have that keep me up, make me sick, and make my hair fall out are the ones that need to be answered before I fall but they seem like unanswerable questions. It's as if I'm standing in front of the sphinx and the riddle that I have to answer to pass is so overwhelming that I can't do anything but sit down and stare at where I cannot go. It gets hard to find the strength to keep the sphinx from devouring me. 

This is what life is though, "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." We come across detours, forks in the road, a mindless maze of paths and roads. Ever decision has a consequence and an outcome. The problem with life is that it keeps moving you forward and the decision on what path to walk becomes hard and the consequences greater. There is nothing you can do to stop it, it's like the moving screen in a Nintendo game, if you quit moving Mario forward, the screen with do it for you and you will run into an obstacle and die or you will pick it up and start moving yourself again. 

Life does not stop when you refuse to move, when you refuse to make a decision, you just cease to exist. Then it is life that controls you and not you making the choices that control your life. Then again brain and heart are two very different organs. Rational thought and discovery may be capable but if the soul is still paralyzed with fear or reluctance you are trapped in a body the screams for movement but refuses to move. How to sync the two may be a much more appropriate question.