Shunning Adulthood

I think Peter Pan or Toy R Us had the correct idea because growing up is a pain in the ass. We've all seen the 40 year old women with make-up caked on their face. They're wearing tube tops, short skirts, and platform heels. They try to hang with the "in-crowd", drink too much, smoke too much, and throw themselves at any young man walking by. I secretly desire to be one of them.

I hate that I spent my childhood and teenage years trying to be Ms. Independent. I miss being taken care of, parents handling the hard stuff, food is always in the fridge, and the electricity always being on but not having to worry about how it's always going to be on. Everything was so much easier when you only had to worry about why Jenny didn't invite you to her party. I'm just so over being an adult.

The thing is you can't quit adulthood. Strike that, I can't quit adulthood. My sister, and don't get me wrong I love her dearly, gets to quit adulthood everyday. She has three babies. When shit starts to hit the fan she doesn't have to worry because my mother will be there to pick everything up for her. The car breaks, mom pays. Car payment doesn't get made, mom pays. Need a night off from the kids, mom takes care of it. Husband going to Afghanistan, move in with mom (though I don't really begrudge her for that one).

When things go south for me the expectation is to buck up and figure it out on my own. I constantly have this crushing weight of expectation and duty. Work the job, get the advanced degree, make the money, support the needy, find the husband, make the babies, clean the house, make the dinner, strengthen the friendships, pay the bills, and more and more and more. I have thirty thousand voices in my head and I don't sleep because they never shut up. It's a dizzying marry-go-round and I want to get off.

I don't want to do it any more. My bank account makes me sick, the thought of paying my bills is like someone telling me I have to run a marathon, work is more tiring than it's worth so I don't do anything, figuring out the future is a task so daunting that I've completely shut down living anything but minute to minute, and finding a mate is just not going to happen that's a door I've shut, tightly. My apartment is messy, I haven't unpacked, I just let stuff lie where I've dropped it and frankly I don't care. I need to do laundry and yes, I know it's really gross but, it took me four days to shower because I'm just too lazy. I don't want responsibility because all it brings is disappointment and shame.

It's too hard to walk back up the hill. I don't know where my fight or die spirit went but being pushed face down in the mud makes dying look so much more appealing than fighting. I know that I need to fight and I know it's in me somewhere but I can't find it. I want to be a kid again. I want someone to take care of me. I want to lie down. I want to give up.