Happiness truly is fleeting

I'm that girl. The one that other girls hide their boyfriends from and loath and the one that guys are afraid of but secretly are intrigued by.

I speak my mind, shoot looks across crowded rooms that chill hearts, have ambitions that trump those of most men, and I never like to be bored. I also love to make people laugh, love worrying about those I love, love to host parties and dinners, and I am a neat freak. I'm constantly hovering over this middle line between feminine and masculine. If my father's 22 year military service career had one good impact on my life, that was providing me with the ability to read any situation I'm in and be extroverted enough to meet new people and immediately know my enemies. I'm smart, both in book and street sense, I have amazing friends, truly some of the best people I've ever met, I'm fairly attractive, I've turned heads a time or two, and I know how to use all of these assets in very good ways. None of these are helping anymore.

I've hit this wall suddenly and nothing seems to satisfy anything anymore. The dreams of a great career in law have been flushed. The love of my life is doing exactly what I feared he would do and I think I somehow pushed him down that path. My job is just pissing me off I'm so bored with it and I have no desire to do it any more there is no where else for me to go but down. I have no idea how I'm going to settle the massive debt I've incurred and I'm currently desperately seeking $75. I'm sicker than a dog and I have been for 4 days, I have no idea when I will get better because I seem to just be getting worse.

Four months ago I was the happiest I've been in a long time. It was a happiness that I actually felt in my heart, you could see it on my face, and I couldn't talk without smiling. I had this amazing strength to draw from, a future to look forward to, and everything was going in an upward trajectory. I was making plans, I was going to start my life, the one I had dreamed of for so long. Now, that trajectory has made a 180 degree turn and is now pummeled way below the ground. My head is spinning and everything is dark and it's hard to gain any sort of bearing. I didn't have to time to prepare for it. I still don't think I'm prepared for it and I really think that there is more to come. It's like someone has erased a chalkboard that held all my plans, goals, dreams, determination, and motivation, but left me a few words behind. Now, I'm desperately staring at it trying to piece something together but out of the corner of my eye I see someone and it's not my knight in shinning armor to pick me up and put me together, it's someone coming to finish the erasure job.

I have only two options, go forward pick everything up and start piecing it back together or give up and just quit everything. Last time I gave up. I just don't know where to draw the strength from to go forward. I have supporters, friends and family who love me, but I can't take strength from them especially when some of them take strength from me. Where do I draw from? I'm so full of pride and I've got a nasty streak of stubbornness that I have no idea how to get through this by myself and I can't ask anyone else to help. I wouldn't know what to ask for even if I could ask. I'm not the kind of person that gives up, especially not twice, I just don't know what to do. There is no one to hold my hand, no one to prop me up, no one to dust me off. I'm a strong person but it's a hollow strength. I don't know if I can fix everything that's gone wrong, I don't know if I can survive it.