I'm 25 years old and that makes me invincible. I pretty much walk around thinking that the world revolves around me and that everyone around me is just a player in my game of Life. What happens though when you're faced with the reality that this is no longer true?
The image in my head was always one of pushing a rock up a steep hill. If I rolled it fast and achieved as much as possible everything would be ok. Somewhere along the way though, rocks started to appear in my path making it harder to push the rock. In fact, the rock seems to be trying to run me over. (Yes this is a cheesy metaphor and yes I am getting to a point.)
My life stopped being so easy to compartmentalize. The magic show that I've been putting on for everyone is slowly starting to unravel and it's making me look like a fraud. My grip on the control I once had on my life is now slipping and it's scaring the shit out of me. The feelings, the disappointments, and the fears I once was so able to hide behind the scenes are now popping up and manifesting themselves in very scary ways. The scariest thing of all though is that I have no idea what the problem is or why it's coming up now.
I'm 25 years old. Life is supposed to be carefree, simple; the world should be mine on a silver platter. Opportunities are suppose to be endless and decisions are suppose to be as simple as "which outfit should I wear on my date tonight." But my life is messy, my anxiety is high, and I'm constantly stressing about when my next bill is getting paid. My smiles are slowly slipping into frowns and the people in my life don't know who I am anymore. The rock is rolling down the hill, the mask has slipped and revealed something ugly and I'm poised on a ledge ready to drop into the black abyss not knowing what I'm going to end up as when I've hit the bottom. This life is no longer mine, it has chewed me up and spit me back out to prove that it's my master and not I its.
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