I'm a control freak

There, I've admitted it, I'm a control freak. I love doing things my way. I love having my own style. I like things to go where I put them and the way I have them arranged. I like that everything has a place.

I have systems, schedules, organized piles, and a clean apartment and office for a reason. I have a certain way of doing things that maximizes my efficiency and tries to minimize the ineffectiveness of others as much as possible.

That being said, the people in my day to day life must get a sick thrill out of fucking with my system. Nothing fails to piss me off more than coming into my office and seeing something has been moved, someone has ineffectively done a part of my job, or that people have thrown crap into my office without a stated purpose or destination. Please for the love of God why have you given me this file and not told me why? Should I hold it to my forehead in the hopes that it speaks to me and tells me its intended purpose? Did I miss the part of my job description that reads, "must have the ability to read minds and/or discern the importance or purpose of inanimate objects?"

I know that I hold high expectations of people when they walk into my office; have and state a purpose, bring the materials necessary to perform the request that you are making, provide the correct information for carrying out the task, and most of all never, ever imply that I don't know what I'm doing or that I don't know what's going on with every single case I have ever worked on.

It is scary the amount of information that I can keep in my head. I can name the purpose in which you are coming to me within two syllables most of the time. I pride myself in knowing what is going on. I know what has happened in cases that I worked on 3, 4, 5, 6 months ago. I just know. I have a photographic memory which can allow me to have an understanding of just about anything you talk to me about. On the rare occasion that I don't know, I have the skills and abilities to look for that information and provide it to you. In short, I'm pretty damn smart and extremely efficient.

I realize I will not always have these fine and very attractive qualities (I know every guy secretly wishes for a woman who is smart, efficient, ambitious, and a control freak) but for now these are mine. I don't have kids, animals, or a significant other. These are the things that I might one day have and if I do, I realize that a lot of me has to change. This is the way I stay sane though, the way I present an aspect of control over life which everyone knows is always out of our control.

Why can't it just be accepted? I have a way and the way is good for me and if you fuck that up it becomes bad for me and bad for you. Why doesn't everything just revolve around me and my tendencies? It would all just be so much better! Here, a logic problem: The sun is the center of the universe. Leo is an astrological sign with the sun as its power planet and main source of energy. Shawna is a Leo. Therefore, Shawna is the center of the universe. It just logically makes sense.

(On a side note, it actually doesn't. It has a flaw and I've been doing so many logic problems that I know what the flaw is. It bugs me that I can point it out, tell you why, and give you the name of the flaw.)

(On another side note, I realize I've been blogging a lot lately. I think I need my own blog site because writing whenever I feel strong swings of emotion is helping me let it out sooner rather than bottling it all up and waiting until I have to binge drink to lose all control and let all the emotions come flying out. This actually gives me more control on my emotions than I ever thought it would. I always thought that if you smile, fume, and bottle it made you a better person emotionally. Apparently not. I think I'm actually being to learn how not to become an alcoholic and to deal with my emotions better than my father. Oh God, maybe I shouldn't have passed on that opportunity for a psych major.)