Neither here nor there

When I think about him I smile and it warms me. When I talk about him I gush and the words overflow and it makes me giggly. When I dream of my future he stands beside me. I'm smitten, ecstatic, turned on, irrational, sad, and confused. I feel about twenty different things one thousand different times a day. It is very hard to clear out all the cobwebs between understanding and my core feelings.

Nothing is easy. I get it, life wouldn't be interesting unless you had to work hard at, and quite honestly those that don't work hard really do not know what living is. The hardest part of my life has always been the love part. If you are a friend or a part of my family, my love comes easily. I'm the 24 hour accessible girl, you can call me any time for any thing and I will always be there no matter the reason. I will pull strings, network, bend-over-backwards, and do whatever I can to make you happy. I truly feel that everyone I love deserves to and should be happy.

When it comes to men, that accessibility has been pretty much nonexistent. I question everything, put up barriers to make sure no one gets in, push against them as hard as I can, make up silly requirements that have to be fulfilled, and find as many flaws as I can as soon as I possibly can. I gave my heart away twice in my life. It came back once to me intact and the second time it was shipped back in a small box in about one million pieces. I'm too scared of that pain to ever let it happen again. It also doesn't help that I am an almost impossible person to get to know. I'm arrogant, vain, tenacious, selfish, and fiercely independent. Most people are either afraid of me or are patronizing or are subservient to me, and I really don't care for any of those.

What happens then when you find someone who can accept all those things about you without changing who they are? When they can bring out other qualities in you that you've long kept behind a war-zone barrier? When you start feeling something you swore you would never allow yourself to feel again? What do you do? There are about a million different reasons why it won't work or it can't work and how it's incredibly impossible but, I honestly cannot see myself being with anyone else but him. Oh God, that's incredibly scary, I'm in love.