Lost

There are about 10 thousand things I've been dying to say but every time I try to write it down or every time I'm about to say something, I freeze or delete. My emotions are running pretty high but I don't know how to organize everything. I'm fine, I'm calm is becoming my mantra. I smile at things that displease me and my outburst are quickly erased with laughter.

I can't say that I feel like I'm the only one of my friends that can keep her promises. That I will show up at the time I say I will show up at. That I'm actually there for and support the people I say I will. I hate being on time and having to wait around for people. I really hate having plans changed last minute because people cannot get their shit together.

I can't say that I'm hurt, confused, and so angry. I don't understand why all the support I've given you over all the years has not been reciprocated in some way. That you were absent on a day that was so important to me, that you knew was important to me. The words I love you are so easy to say, aren't they? The lack of your demonstration of them speaks louder than the words coming from your mouth. You made me feel like the ten years of history between us, the history that I thought set us on such solid ground, meant nothing. I thought it made us easier to understand each other, as it turns out that experience just made it easier to find someone to use as a way to hide from reality. Silly me to think I was special, silly me to open myself up to you, silly me to actually believe for a second that I was worthy of being loved.

I can't say that I want out, I want a do over. I want to scrap this life and find another one that may or may not fit perfectly. That I literally want to leave every single thing behind; education, family, friends, material possessions, jobs, and start fresh. Sometimes I really do think it would be better if I could just join the witness protection program and have my current life totally erased.

I can't say anything anymore. I'm the strongest person you know and I am the strongest person I know. I'm not allowed to fill any other boxes than the ones that you put me in. So, I will smile and I will be fine.

No words just feelings

I've passed the point of words, this is what is going on...

Angry, angry, angry, pisssssed off!!!!!!!!

Hurt, I don't understand, what the fuck!!! 

Where is my support, why am I always the one to care???

Love is such an easy word to say, now fucking show me...

Done, so done, I fell and now I'm broken, thanks a fucking lot.

What next??

So I did it! I took the test with out having sweaty palms, a horrible feeling in my stomach, and with complete concentration on my task. I bombed the reading comp. but did well on the other sections so I'm hoping it will kind of even itself out. Now though comes the waiting. I hate waiting. As I've said time and time again, God forgot to give me patience. I think I have enough to distract me in the coming weeks but there will always be a little nagging feeling until I get the results back.

On the other hand I've learned a lot of valuable things. I don't know why I'm continually surprised by it but I do actually have an amazing support system in my life. I've had a lot of love and a lot of showing of support over the last few month by friends, family, and co-workers. I hope one day I can repay them all for everything they've done for me. I'm truly blessed that there are genuinely good people around me.

I knew I always missed college but I didn't realize how much I missed the learning part of it. I like obtaining knowledge and learning about the world. I'm amazed by how much I don't know and how much I want to know it. I'm excited to start school again and excited to be pursuing my dreams, finally!

Calming down and living life is so much more important than sweating the small details. I need to continue to teach myself that it's ok that I can't control every situation. I need to relax, step back and sometimes just let life run it's course. I'm so busy all the time trying to build dams that I forget to see the beauty in the unknown and extraordinary things that have come into my life. I never realized how many time a day I think in a negative way until I realized how hard it was for me to come up with positive thoughts.

I can't be anyone other than me, and I can't change the people around me, so instead I'm going to try harder to learn, I'm going to try harder to love, and I'm going to try harder to find the positive.

Is that light?

One more class left, four more days to go, and a lifetime, it seems, of preparation. Now that I've built it up to be the end all be all of my existence, I need to break it down.

I'm trying to swallow the nervousness, I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying to feel like I'm as prepared as possible. I've ignored the fear, obsessed over everything else not to think about the test, and now I have to embrace it. I feel like I'm going to jump off a cliff. I know that the last couple of weeks have been unbearable for some, or maybe just for me, and I'm being dramatic but this really is everything to me right now. This is the beginning to a life that was put on hold for so many years. No pressure there right? Now, with some last minute work, I'm sending it out to the universe. I know a lot of people that have my back, there are a lot of people sending me love, encouragement, and great karma. All I need to do now is clear the cobwebs, find my strength, and kick the crap out of this test!

I have to get this out...

I have no idea if I'm trying to distract myself from my test or if the paranoia is actually justified. I have to get this down though, I have to get it out of me or else I will concentrate on nothing but this.

In this weird, twisted, "relationship" I've been having, there is only one factor that I was never quite sure about. I know he loves me and I know I love him but it was always her that I was unaware of. I know that you're family oriented, and that she would complete that but how can you throw away what we could have just to get back with someone that treated you the way she did? Now though a lot of signs are pointing to the fact that she is back in your life. A crazy part of me even thinks that she moved back in with you. It would make sense though. Moving wouldn't be a problem, you wouldn't waste gas taking the kids back and forth, and you would finally have that family that you always wanted.

What about me? If she's in then we all know I'm out. Now I'm feeling stupid, like I allowed myself to fall in love with you knowing that I could never be a part of your life. What the hell is going on?

Having a big mouth is not always a good thing

There are times in my life that I do actually sit down, look pretty and shut my mouth. I think maybe I need to start doing this more often.

I don't really have the type of personality that goes well with being demure or being shy. It's never really been my thing. If I have something to say I'm going to say it. I was graced with enough wits and enough brains to know when to be tactful or mute.

That being said, I've come close to losing my job because of this on many different occasions. I tend to be pretty insubordinate and have a problem being a bit too cocky when it comes to people in positions of authority. I really don't like it when people tell me what to do especially when I know what I'm doing. I really hate being blamed for other people's mistakes. I own up to my mistakes, I embrace them, take responsibility for them, and correct them. I don't fucking care how much of a team we are in, if you make a mistake and I get blamed for it, I will be one pissed off bitch. I pull my own weight and I get my shit done, I have no desire to deal with incompetent people or take the blame for their stupidity. You know what that makes me want to do? Nothing, that's right, no work, no help, nothing. Then you can blame me and you will have a legitimate reason to yell at me. Because I live my life to legitimize yours.

I fucking hate this. What the hell else could go wrong? I mean seriously if you're going to make it pour and not give me an umbrella or a raincoat then what the fuck is next? Lightening, tornado, hail??? I've got a bad professional life, a shitty social life, I'm an idiot when it come to my class, a non-existent sex life, and a pseudo relationship. I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I'm perpetually angry and never satisfied. Lucky me, because everyone loves an angry, self-serving, bitchy, workaholic girl. What the fuck am I doing?

Crisis of Faith

What am I doing? Seriously, what the fuck am I doing? Maybe I'm not cut out to do the lawyer thing, maybe I'm suppose to do something else. My life doesn't make sense. If I'm not suppose to be a lawyer, what am I suppose to be doing with the rest of my life?

Am I suppose to be in love with who I'm in love with? Am I suppose to be friends with the people I'm friends with? Am I suppose to be living where I'm living? Seriously??? Maybe I'm suppose to be doing everything the opposite of what I've been doing.  

Ok instead of a lawyer I should be a criminal? Instead of Brian, I should be in love with a short, fat, guy I've known for 10 minutes? Instead of my friends I should be friends with people who don't care about me, take advantage of me, and are never there for me? Instead of living in Minnesota I should live in Mississippi? I doesn't get more opposite than that. 

I don't know anymore. I don't know what's right for me. I don't know if I'm doing what I'm suppose to be doing. I don't know if everything I ever thought was right, everything that I've planned my life for , everything that feels familiar is actually wrong. Then what am I suppose to be doing? What am I killing myself for? Where is my life going? 

I'm so lost, I'm so confused. Two weeks until a test that I don't know if I can do well on and that may or may not determine where I'm going. 

No Explanation

I'm pretty much at a loss for words with what is going on with me right now.

I'm almost convinced that I'm sane for about 10 days out of the month and the rest of the days are filled with a sort of emotional mess going on in my brain. I don't know if my brain is tired from so much studying or if I'm just severely fucked up.

I wish I could put into words what I'm feeling but there is no easy way to describe it. I'm happy one minute and thankful for everyone and everything in my life, the next minute I'm paranoid that it's all an illusion that I'm simply fooling myself into believing , and the next I'm pissed because I have convinced myself that everyone is lying to me that I'm really filling my life with people that are only using me for their own personal gains.

I've hyped up a test to be the be all and end all of my life, I'm in love with someone I can't see, I create an illusion of working when there is no work being done, and I manage to get up every morning and convince myself that everything is ok when in fact I can only see things minute to minute because if I look much farther ahead than that, the stress and pressure will, I think, literally kill me.

I'm angry and lonely and happy and insecure and confused and sad and stressed. I'm a bottle of Prozac and a millionaire away from happiness. I don't know when everything got so hard and so easy all at the same time. For about three years I've balanced precariously on a tightrope, falling on one side or the other every so often. The rope kept getting higher and higher and now I feel like I'm hanging on for dear life because there's no net.

If I fall this time, I'm afraid I won't get up from it. Worse yet, I don't know if my friends or family will be able to save me again. I'm just waiting for the strength to come to pull myself up. I'm waiting for this miracle that may never come.