The Big Bad Bitch has a Heart

I've said this before many times, but I'm surrounded by people and I still feel so totally alone. I don't know why that is. I'm an extroverted person, I know how to have a good time in a crowd, I know how to entertain the masses and yet I am still surrounded by this aloneness. It is sort of lonely making your own path in the world, but I have people to share that with. There are people in the exact same circumstances as me and I am sure they are going through the exact same things. This does not give me comfort. I'm going to be an attorney. As much as people like to make fun of this, it still does come with some modicum of respect.

I've always felt like I've had such a higher purpose in life. I know that sounds condescending, but I just do. I feel like the small town girl that longs for the big city. I'm getting impatient though, how long is this going to take? How long until I'm a household name and people can Wikipedia me? I've been running up pedestals so fast my whole life that I don't know what I'm going to do if I fall down them. In hindsight I see the path, but when I look ahead it's all black and woozy.

So I'm on the path, and I'm trying to run it, but I don't know what the expectation is anymore. My favorite words are me and I, but this existence is lonely. If I can't have everything, what is worth losing? Is the me that I thought I was really the me that I am? Why am I not allowed to have it all?

The Art of the Slack

I have now been in the library for about 5 hours. I meet with my Contracts study group to go over things for the quiz we have tomorrow but after that I have been sitting here doing a big fat nothing. I have too many assignments (actual and self-imposed) to even be remotely able to slack off but here I am, doing a big, fat nothing.

I really think I'm into some masochistic (hmm, interesting I'm not a very good speller but I managed to spell that word), self-destruction mode. I know I have to kick ass my first year, I really have no real distractions, but here I am giving myself distractions. What the hell?? I need some like spiritual intervention, pick me up, dust me off, and please put my brain back into a solid state.

The thoughts are all there but it's like soup. I need a winter storm to come along and freeze my ideas into a workable product that I can turn in. Am I cracking under the pressure? Oh the overwhelming craziness, masochistic desire to be an attorney, why? Because I have to be the best, I have to be number one, I have to do well. Where the hell did that come from? I have no idea, I think it's mostly self-imposed because that pressure sure did not come from my family. Then why is this not easier? I think slacking off because someone else is forcing me to be here is one thing, but I'm forcing myself to be here.

So I hate working at a dead-end job because I'm not challenged enough and I hate being in school because it's hard (to be honest I don't actually hate school, I actually love it a lot). I am never going to be happy at this point. Alrighty so, where are my 50 cats and my old-shoe-house?

Pressure Cooker

I don't know what it is about me but no one in the world puts more pressure on me then myself. I think if I just relaxed and went with the flow I would have an easier life. I'm really not motivated to do anything even though I'm living my dreams for the first time in years. It's turning out to be a very lonely experience. I really would like to be dating someone right now. I think this whole thing would be easier if I had someone to share it with. Fact of the matter is about 87% of me is in this, the other 13% is constantly questioning everything I do. Somedays the 13% wins, and today is one of those days.

I'm blah, I'm sure there will be more to come later.

Law school's not easy but it sure beats a crappy dead-end job I'm too smart for. Now, if only I could figure out how to live without having to find a job.

Brain Dump II

Ok I am at the end of a three day weekend in which I had set plans to get ahead on my homework. Well like 45 hours of TV watching later and I will not even be prepared for my class tomorrow morning. I am really unfocused and I cannot clear my mind so here we go.

I just called the cops on the neighbors downstairs. Why? Because their music was so fucking loud I could not hear myself think. When I first looked at apartments my one question to every single company was "is it quiet?" Those of you who have lived with me know that I hate noise that I'm not creating. I know I should get use to it because you can't always control your surroundings but I swear I hate people who have no respect for those around them. I have no desire to listen to your music just like I'm sure you have no desire to listen to mine.

I keep thinking that I'm not going to be any good at the lawyer thing. I like that classes that I'm taking for the most part so far it's been not too bad wrapping my head around the concepts. I just keep trying to imagine myself in this role or that role, trying to counsel people about the law and I don't think I can do it. I don't know if I'm intentionally setting myself up to fail or not.

It is really lonely here. I literally spent the last three days locked in apartment. I didn't venture out once, nor did I really have a reason to. I hate that! When I was in Mpls if I was home by myself I knew that I had the option to call someone if I wanted to. I had control over the loneliness when I was there, here there is no controlling it, I'm lonely, period, end of story.

There is no feedback in law school. I have no idea if I'm doing things right or not. I could be completely stupid and I would never know until the finals. If I fail the finals then I can kiss the future I want for myself good bye.

I feel like I'm self sabotaging. I have plenty of motivation to do well but I'm not doing anything. What is wrong with me? How am I going to fix this?

Brain Dump

I have an RWA assignment due tomorrow at 3 that I need to start now (1 am EST) so I need to clean the brain in order to organize a coherent IR construction. 

I miss Minnesota. Like really badly. Worse than I ever thought I would. I miss the people and I miss the familiarity but I don't really miss my jobs there. I mean I loved most of the people I worked with but I know I'm better off now than working in jobs that were not satisfying to me. Perhaps this means I chose the right course of action by going to law school. 

I haven't even had a full week of class and I'm already questioning whether or not I'm going to be good at this. I have to read things like 2-3 times before it even sinks in. It takes so long for me to do any of the assignments. I give myself like 1 1/2 and it takes me 3 hours!!!

How am I going to be able to work and keep up with school at the same time. The most down time I have in a day is 2 maybe 3 hours other than that I'm in class, in the library or in bed. Where is this balance going to come from? I feel like I'm already behind, there's not enough hours in the day. I would cut out sleep but my brain already feels like mush after studying for 8 hours I can't jam back anything else in there without losing my sanity. 

I don't know about the making friends thing either. I mean the people I've met so far are nice but I feel like I'm either intentionally or unintentionally isolating myself from everyone else by sticking my nose in a book for 9 hours a day. Living alone is lonely and I feel like everyone else her either has a boyfriend or is married. Did I somehow miss that train? Did it pull into the station, take one look at me, and run screaming down the track get me the hell out of here!!!???

My neighbors downstairs are so annoying. Who plays their music super loud and bassy at 1:30 in the morning on a Monday and Sunday night?

Should I continue to park at the Wharton Center? That walk at 11:00 is very scary and very dark. But if I move to the Commuter Lot that walk is just as scary and I don't think it's as well lit as the other walk. 

What if I fail? I mean I've had to modify this dream so many times and I am sick of it. Cant it just work out? Isn't there some kind of guarantee by now? Change your dreams x amount of times and your current path is free of road blocks?

Can I take an exam with a dog snoring during it if I can barely handle distractions in the library or at home? Are my expectations too high? Is that my ultimate problem? Do I expect so much out of the people around me that I begin to repeal them?

Seriously Emotional

Ok, honestly sorry to those of you who actually check this thing have been disappointed by the lack of content.

I've been poked, prodded and scanned within the last few months just to find out that I have depression, migraines, and a sleeping disorder. Wow! It's been a roller coaster but at least now I've changed my attitude from being a complete bitch to just a little bitchy once and a while. Whatever, I hope it last for a while because I think I'm a better person when I'm not so angry all the time that I want to kill everyone.

My uncle is dying. Of drinking. Too much. Scary enough in it's self but add to that his age, 47, his 16 year old daughter, and the fact that alcoholism runs rampant on both side of my family and I'm ready to give up drinking for the rest of my life. For those of you who know the Vegas story (which will never be repeated in a public forum such as this) you know that I made a conscience decision not to get ripe roaring plastered after that. I've been pretty good about with just a couple of lapses but now the smell of booze absolutely makes me sick to my stomach. I don't know how to feel about it because I was never that particularly close to my uncle but I'm sad and I feel so helpless. It's hard to concentrate on day to day things when you're left to your own devices as much as I am I want to be here but I can't help but feel like I'm 1,000 miles away.

I swear stress or a big fiery car crash is going to kill me one day!

Copious amouts of emotion

There are times when I seriously think I have multiple personality disorder. I honestly think someday I'm going to find myself in the middle of a salon shaving my head and whacking at people with an umbrella, wait a minute...

It's not that I'm not good at controlling my emotions but it's about how they come out. Most of the time I smile to people's face or put on a neutral expression and really all I want to do is slit their throat. Something in my upbringing taught me self control but there is also something to be said for realising your emotions as well.

Actually, I have no idea why I'm writing about this. I have no desire to work right now. All that's ahead of me today is mundane busy work and many more e-mails from over-caffeinated clients. Sometime between now and yesteryear I have very much begun to resent my job. You know how kids that are too smart for the class they're in act out and cause trouble because they're not being challenged? I feel like that. I've gone months with out doing more than the bare minimum only to catch it all up in a matter of days. I know I should be thankful to have a job in such a shitty economy but I need a change.

If I end up having to do this job for the rest of my life then I'm going to slit my wrists! There has got to be more to life than this. My life has to have more meaning than just a person pushing around papers all day and being told over and over again her ass looks nice.

My looks are going to fade one day and I'm going to be stuck with anti-aging cream and a big pot of disappointment. I have the world at my feet, there are endless possibilities out there, and I feel like I'm standing at a four way stop being asked to choose only one direction when I really want to take all four. So life doesn't get any easier as you get older, no shit!, I thought at least I'd have it figured out by now. Just goes to show that you can't plan anything anymore. Which is why I think I've become more relaxed about everything lately. What's the point in planning anything when nothing you plan ever works out for you. You choose to love someone and soon your heart's in pieces. You choose the school you want to attend and you're not accepted. You choose your job and you're fired from it. You choose to live a healthy lifestyle and you get cancer. When you actively choose to avoid planning and let life take it's natural course, nothing happens. Now you face two options, total and utter disappointment or a stagnant living. What is the lesser of two evils??

Running on Empty

My teeth are clean but my car's on E. The turkeys have been bought but I have to sell an article of clothing to see a movie. I have debt, you have debt we all have tons and tons of debt. In fact I haven't even bought a house yet but the debt I've accumulated adds up to that of a mortgage on a small house.

At the end of the day I'm a plain Jane. I look no better than the girl sitting next you. I have the same problems as everyone else in this world. I have ambition that is no stronger than 50% of those around me. I work, sleep, laugh, play, cry, get angry, go to the doctor, talk to other people, buy groceries just like everyone else. I am just me and I could be no different than the thousands and thousands of faces you see in your given lifetime. I am average.

What can I bring to a law school that others cannot?? So after going through the painful process of realizing how unextraordinary I am I now have to tell you how I'm so awesomely unique. Fine. My dad was in the military and my mother was raised by a farmer and from that odd combination I received an incredible work ethic. I take my job tasks seriously and put the maximum amount of effort into everything I do that will produce the greatest results. I am meticulous down to the last detail and tend to catch mistakes that other people that have looked at the same problem two or three times have not caught. In short, I'm also a perfectionist. I will stay until the project is done and it is done well. I'm also an extrovert. I'm not afraid to speak my opinion and since I rarely like to look like an idiot when I am doing this, I will know how to speak my mind in an intelligent and informed manner. I like to meet and work with other people because even when I'm challenging the opinions of others or having a discussion I do allow myself to be open to learning from what other people think and how they think. Plus, I know how to cook so during late night study sessions we will have ample amounts of refreshment.

Writing because I have to start somewhere

I've told myself for about a month and a half that I'm going to start writing my personal statements tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. The thing about tomorrow is that there is always another tomorrow to push it to. 

I don't know why I can't write them, I keep saying it's writer's block but I don't think that's quite right. The fact of the matter is I keep losing excitement, for everything. I'm going to New York in less than a month, it's Christmas time, friend's Thanksgiving is less than a week away, I'm applying for law school and none of this excites me. This world is a bitch and the people around me are, lets face it, cruel.  I've been excited about many of these things before only to be met with snide comments, protestation, and horrible jokes. Yes I'm strong but for fucks sake back the fuck off once and a while. Why can't I just be happy without someone shitting all over it and bringing me down??

I must be a real fool to think that my enthusiasm for something means anything to people. Why when you're having a bad day am I the person people shit all over? 

Maybe it's not other people though, maybe it's just me. Maybe I've grown so cynical and so jaded that I can't be excited about anything anymore. What is the point really? The build up that excitement brings just lead to a much bigger fall when you're disappointed. Let's face it, were always disappointed. Nothing is perfect and nothing ever goes according to plan so why have the expectation for such when human nature dictates that something is only as good as it's weakest link. A happy face is merely a facade for a person that is ready to rip your face off. 

Why do I want to go to law school?? I need a change. I need to feel like I'm going forward again instead of down the backwards slope I feel I'm beginning to fall into. I want to learn something again that will challenge me, that I can't devour and spit back out in 30 seconds. I want intelligent discussion about the law and politics that doesn't keep me afraid of offending or boring someone. I want to be challenged. I want my life to have a purpose and a meaning to it. I want my sense of self worth back, like I'm doing something that I'm meant to be doing. Mostly, I want to feel excited again. 

Suck it up

I've started about half a dozen posts in the last month or so and they've all been about being lazy or having writer's block. I've been obsessing about how things are going to happen or where my life is going. I'm so worried about what's going to happen now and how I can't control the things going on right now that I'm no longer thinking about the future or what I want. I'm too busy worried about not stepping on people's toes, worried about what other people think of me or how I'm going to impress them, worried about how to implement someone else's visions that I have no idea who or what I am any more. 

So fuck it all and here is all is in a nut shell. 

I'm 26 and I don't like to go out and drink my life away any more. I use to do it, I use to get a strange rush after binging and then not remembering anything. There is nothing fun about forgetting parts of your life, ask anyone with Alzheimer's, why in the fuck would anyone want to give themselves early on-set Alzheimer?? It does suck how much this limits myself from my current group of friends, they see it as kicking them out of my life and not wanting to hang out any more, I see it more as not having much in common any more. While my drunk stories are fun for people to recount over and over again it sucks for me because I get to stand there like an idiot and own them. 

I like to sit at home by myself and watch t.v, be on my computer, listen to music, or talk on my phone. I don't care that it's an isolating activity because I already know how to disappoint myself and I'm better at controlling that than controlling other people. I also like to hang out with my friends and I'm not afraid of new people or new situations. Call it introvert or call it extrovert but we all have a little of each, I just tend to have a lot of both. 

I get stressed and I blog, eat a lot, eat nothing, yell, cry, or I do all of the above but I do it all my way. I can throw a party for being depressed or I can throw one for celebrating my brilliance, but at the end of the day everyone around you can disappear leaving you with only yourself, will you be happy with yourself, because I already know who I am, and I like myself. 

I can do anything and fuck you very much and I will. Call it a God complex, call it 20 something invisibility, but I can do anything. The possibilities in life are in fact endless and I can take whatever path I choose and run with it. I live in a free society and I can choose my own destiny. Why the fuck am I letting my friends and my fears stop me?? I live under most of the same constraints as everyone else, crushing debt, job responsibilities, family and friend, but I can do whatever I want to do, so I should just suck it up and do it. 

Yes, I live in my own bubble. The fantasies and situations in my head are probably a very different perception than the ones in your head. I am working on it but for fucks sake I don't have to worry about anyone but me. I do realize that there are people who I interact with and that my action do effect them in some way shape or form but as far as it being my first or second reaction to think about the people around me, it just isn't. Those I care about receive more consideration than most but at the end of the day I live in a bubble and the first thing I think about is me. Egocentric? Yes, it is but I find as I grow older and I make my self more aware of the things going on around me it make it easier to think about others. That being said I still assume people know thing that are blatantly obvious to me but may not be to others. I hate it when people explain the obvious to me, so I tend not to explain what I perceive to be obvious. 

I hate it when people second guess me. I'm not perfect, even I can admit that, but fuck!! even if I'm wrong I still get to learn a less when I fail. I may hate learning that lesson, I may complain about it, and I may want to jump off a bridge because I had to learn it but let me make my own decisions. I'm sick of being judged for the decisions I make. I make most mistakes once some twice but even when I drive my car two hundred miles an hour towards a brick wall trust that either I know what I'm doing or that when I screw up I will know not to do it again. We all learn just as much from our mistakes as we learn from our successes. 

My life is at the moment not my idea of an ideal life. I believe in God but have no idea why this is life he had planned for me. I read something recently that intrigued me about this. Maybe God is just as helpless as we all are. Maybe he's not a puppet master pulling all the strings and making all the decisions but instead a passenger sitting besides us being our cheerleader, mourning our losses and disappointments, or resting his reassuring hand on our shoulder. That he plays an active role and not just a passive one. I'm beginning to think this is more of a possibility. There is not some omnipresence to blame our downfalls on but instead we have to look to ourselves. In that case there are relationships that I have with people that I don't understand. When the person you befriended in the beginning is not the same person they are now, and you've changed too, what is there to base a friendship on? When you can't be with someone you've known for a number of years and they know you just as well or better than you know yourself, what do you do? When you found a very compatible companion when you were 15 and you chose different paths that look like they will never cross again, do you keep your faith and hope or do you drop it all and settle or find something similar? When your dreams scare you do you give them up or fight the fear until your dream becomes what they once were?

Finally, What do you do when life comes knocking at your door, wearing boxing gloves, hungry for a fight? Do you shut the door and cower under you bed? Or, do you stand straight, spit it it's face and throw the first punch? Religion, your mother, your best friend, your husband/wife, your boyfriend/girlfriend, nor can you children tell you how to run your life. They might be considerations in the decision, some stronger than others, but letting them dictate what to do with your life makes it no longer your life. So I'm now choosing to live my life, my way, and whether you believe in my interpretation of how God's guidance works or not, he's got his hand on my shoulder and I'm diving in head first.