PMS + Idiots = One Pissed Off Bitch

Seriously!!!??? Seriously!!??

I HATE!!! technology. Just fucking hate it. Why in God's green earth am I spending my entire effing morning doing updates on my Adobe software because the mother eff'in USPTO cannot update their shit properly???? And speaking of the USPTO, where in the hell did they find and hire the people they call their support staff?? Did they seriously take fucking pity on the entire homeless population of Washington D.C. and allow these fuckers to work their phones?? I mean seriously I was on the phone for two damn hours to hear the phrase "well I'm sorry I have no idea why they would say it was expired for 24 months when it's only been expired for 4 months, maybe you should fax it in." Seriously two fucking hours for someone to tell me to fax it in!!! AHHHHHH!!!

Oh and don't even get me started on "training people." Why the fuck don't I just do it all myself? Exhibit A and Exhibit B cannot be the same thing!!!!! You cannot enter in two Exhibits that are the same thing, how many fucking ways, and fucking times can I say this??? Do you speak English??? Do I need to explain the definition of same?? People wonder why I don't give them work to do for me, I can shoot through 27 things before the coffee is done brewing, imagine how many things I can do after I've had a cup.

Oh and family, I love you dearly but if one more person asks how the slide show is going, I am going to disown you. I have a test, a very, very important test on June 16th. If you think this thing is getting done before then you are mistaken. I have pride and I have an amazing work ethic, both will allow me to do this right and get it done on time.

Too tired and busy to be emotional

Just a quick note here...

So I've been working about 9 hours a day and then studying or going to class for about 3 - 3.5 hours everyday which doesn't leave me much time for anything else. I literally have put all my energies into doing well on my LSAT. I now look at the world in terms of argument progression and argumentative flaws. I don't know if I've stopped feeling emotional or just replaced the insanity that surges through my idle brain with the logical arguments that I'm trying to master. The emotions all seem so petty now, what's up with that? Two months ago I was going to commit myself for being a raging, bitch, alcoholic and now I've simmered and though I'm still confused and have no idea what I'm doing it's not effecting me as much. Geez, maybe I should have just gotten a hobby to obsess over.

Blessings

So, after reading my 24 posts, in less than a month, it occurs to me that I have many blessings in my life that I'm not thankful enough for. I came to this conclusion this morning while at the dentist's office.

Blessings

1) I apparently am gifted with good genetics when it comes to teeth. I was told that I have amazing teeth and if I don't drink too much soda, I will never have cavities and never lose my teeth. Yeah! No dentures for me :)

2) I have really good friends. I like to think I was blessed with a really good judgment of character so I pick amazing people to be friends with. Honestly, they are always there for me, they listen and support me, and they have my best interests at heart. Really, I'm friends with some of the most amazing people in the world.

3) I have an amazing mother. Seriously, she taught me so much about myself, and she taught me so much about how to interact with other people. She is so strong and so inspiring. I've said it many times before and it's so true, I will be a lucky woman if I end up with half her strength and intelligence.

4) I am an intelligent person. By no means can I calculate the complex equations involved with quantum mechanics or aerospace technology but, I can carry on an adult conversation about current events, literature, politics, economics, or any other liberal art and some physical sciences and be able to hold my own and not sound like a douche. If someone tells me something and I don't understand a part of what they're saying you better believe that I'm going to look it up and figure out what they're talking about. I like being in the know.

5) I'm pretty damn cute. I've had many positive comments on the following things: hair, clothes, weight, eyes, ass, breasts, legs, smile, and face. These have not all been given to me by friends, family members or boyfriends, some have been given to me by perfect strangers. This all leads me to believe that I am at least cute, if not pretty, and maybe bordering on beautiful.

6) I am not starving, malnourished, wanting for water, or living on the street. I live a pretty decent, albeit hard working, middle class lifestyle. Though at the moment I am missing the "nuclear family," I still find myself enjoying where I'm at with my life.

All in all, not bad! Even though life is sort of wonky right now, I have a lot of things in my life that make it a pretty decent life.

Sleep

I'm not sure why but for about two weeks now I have been unable to sleep. I had a very long day yesterday, came home about 10:15 and passed out on my couch. I woke up at 11:30, exhausted, took my contacts out and laid in bed for 2 1/2 hours, wide awake.

I know there is a lot on my mind. There are a shit ton of issues that I'm worried about, a lot of things going on in my life, but seriously just let me sleep. I cannot shut the dull roar of stress, jealously, desire, and the unknown out of my head. I lay down and pictures fly through my head like a power point presentation on crack. They don't even have a decent stream of consciousness. I'll see my baby and then a bank statement. My father and then a dentist appointment. I mean seriously! The bags under my eyes are so dark I look like I've been in a three day boxing match.

I'm tired and lazy when I get home so the homework that I've had a week to do, has not been done. The pictures for my slideshow have been moved from my home to my office but I don't have the money to actually send them. Bad things are not coming in threes for me they're coming in twelves. Can I just get one area of my life to work? Monetarily, personally, professionally, habitually, they're all pretty fucked up right now. Up/down, black/white, ketchup/mustard, it's all not making sense. Nothing is matching up.

The scales of justice are not balancing. What in the hell did I do so they're tipped so unfairly against me? I know karma's a bitch and uses her prowess to play dirty tricks, but seriously give me something. Give me a break, let something go my way.

The Real Life game of Risk

I was having a conversation last night with a guy I've known for a number of years and the game Risk came up. I challenged that I could beat him at Risk even though said guy has actually been in the military and is a Republican (he somehow thinks Repubs. are more strategic than Dems., whatever). So what, besides my political science background and stunning intellectual prowess, qualifies me to make such a claim? Simply put, I'm a girl.

I know, stop the presses, this just in, put it on the Time Square ticker, but think about it, woman are a very strategic species (yep, we're a new species now). All of our interactions with other people, especially other females, are measured in economic factors (rate of return, supply vs. demand, gross domestic product) and politics (what can I tell this person to get what I want, how many people is this person connected to).

We all fight battles to try and win the war that is life. The biggest battles we fight though are those that involve love. We battle others and we battle our potential partners. I know I at least need to know that my partner in life can sustain a good debate with me. I honestly do not want to be sitting on the couch with him when we're 60 years old and not be able to carry on a conversation let alone not have that passion that comes with two people taking different side of an argument and defending their positions (seriously this is the sole reason why I would marry a Republican, having a civil, passionate debate is so hot!).

The battle with others, now that's just plan fun. Now, I'm not talking about stealing married men away from their wives, that's child’s play, easy shit, and quite honestly pretty low. I'm talking about battling other girls for a guy's affection. I may be a little bit evil and it may be my guilt pleasure but winning is such an awesome feeling! Ok, ok, I realize that this might sound a little freaky to some people but I have a wicked competitive streak in me, and honestly what I'm talking about is no different than winning a sporting competition this time though it's life/love. Think what you will but it is so much fun looking at a person's face when they realize that they've just lost the prize (seriously how is the view from the pavement?). I forgot to preface all this though with make sure the prize you're fighting for is one you want to keep and not one you're going after because you just want that feeling of winning.

One down, one to go. Unfortunately, it's the harder of the two. Can she do it? I might need a Hail Mary play on this one.

The Gambler

"You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away, and know when to run. You never count your money, when you're sittin' at the table. There'll be time enough for countin', when the dealings done."

Now, I've never been much for country but this seems to be a song that's followed me all through out life. It's a great metaphor for life and all the trials and tribulations it brings you but the song always seems to come up when I'm dealing with love. 

Like I said below (in another post) I was never blessed to know what a good relationship looks like. I know how to love, what love feels like, but when it comes to parlaying that into a good relationship, it always falls short. 

I'm in limbo right now. I'm stuck somewhere in between friendship and relationship and I can't seem to make the leap into one or the other. I know where I'm at and I know where he's at and I don't know how to get this level. Friends have voiced their concerns, parents and siblings have dispensed their advice and their fears, and still my mind races like a raving mad lunatic. 

I don't hold the right cards. The cards I have are playable but, it will take a lot of skill and a lot of luck to win. I kind of know what my adversary may hold but I'm not quite sure. I know his motives and some of his tells but a surprise is always a possibility. 

I need to talk to him but, his coy ploys at unavailability are what is keeping me in limbo. 

Up and down goes the yo-yo, I've been here before, I just don't know if I can get out again.

Mom's

Yes, I know its kitsch and everyone is probably writing about their mother because Mother's Day is on Sunday but I don't really care.


Moms are amazing people. They have a capacity for love that is quite unfathomable. They're self-sacrificing, have an undeniable amount of strength, have a mind that's filled with knowledge about the most diverse topics, and put up with tantrums, mood-swings, ungratefulness, and sometimes even hatred. It's a thankless job, it takes forever to see the returns for the years of work you put in and the stress and pressure often leads to mental breakdowns.


My mother is no exception. My parents were married until I was 13. My dad well, we'll just call him an absentee father (don't get me wrong, I love my dad but, parenting skills were never his forte). So, I was basically raised by my mother, and after their separation I really was raised by my mother. She has a strength that I can't even begin to describe. She showed her love in so many different ways but never compromised on teach us good morals and ethics. She never missed volleyball games, dance recitals, play openings, basketball games, football games, band concerts, choir concerts, swim meets, or anything else the three of us were involved in. She wielded punishments in a fair way, and though a couple of times she lost her temper, she knew when to scold and when to let us fall on our faces. She hugged us when we cried, chided us into laughing when we were mad for silly reasons, listened to us while we were ranting, and dispensed advice whether we wanted to hear it or not. She raised us well while working two jobs, going to school, and being a community leader for our church, did I mention this was after she separated from my father? She encouraged us to dream, set goals, defy expectations, and instilled in all of us a very strong work ethic (although I suspect we get this from dad as well).

I am able to be the woman I am because of her. I have the values and a moral compass that points in a good direction because of her. I will someday be a good mother because of her. I am who I am in everyway because of her.

Writing the pain

I should never have done it. It should have stayed in the box where it belonged. I took it out and I allowed myself to hope for it, allowed myself to feel it, allowed myself to be consumed by it again. I never should have done it. I don't know why I thought it could be different that I wouldn't be disappointed or hurt but it happens every time and I always say never again. 

I guess I don't deserve it. I've pissed someone off way too many times and they took it away. I must not be able to take care of it or nurture it properly because every time I get bit in the ass. I need to put it back now, just an artifact to keep and look at through glass. 

It felt different this time, more intense, more familiar, more real. I guess that's what happens when it's been away for so long. I'm not strong enough to control it. So, it's better if it goes back to the box were only I can appreciate it from afar. 

Alone. Now and forever, it's a safer place to be.  Alone. It's a familiar place for me. Alone. No more wishing for we. 

Unable to find peace

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's what's going on inside of me right now. No more drama, please no more drama.

I don't want to here how fucked up our clients are, how important a deadline is, how I fucked up a date, how you don't know how to do anything I've asked you to do.

I don't want to hear that I was just assigned the longest homework assignment yet, that I'm behind on my homework, that my SCORE IS NOT IMPROVING even though I paid your ass $1250.

I don't want to hear that I have a bad attitude that I'm too overbearing to be shift leader, that I can ONLY MAKE $100 after working 15 hours.

I don't care that you have a drinking problem, I still love you but seriously, deal with the demons and fix that shit before I visit you in the hospital when you are getting a new liver, I don't care who you are in love with, I still love you but seriously, if the person you love doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated, if the person you love doesn't support your growth as a person, then for fucks sake realize that you are better than that and find the person that makes you a better person or at least appreciates all that you bring to the table, I don't care that there are other people in your life that are more important than I am, I still love you but seriously, know that I am strong enough, have the capabilities to grow, and that I have abilities you have never known me to possess a chance is all I want, I don't care that you have given up on our friendship, I still love you but seriously, I'm not a perfect person, I have flaws and nuances that even I don't like, I'm trying to work on them but if you can't accept the flaws in me then were we ever really friends in the first place?

I don't care that my life is reaching overload proportions. I don't care that I hate feeling helpless to stop the insanity that races through my mind. I don't care that I can't sleep. I don't care that I don't eat well. I don't care that I'm losing weight for absolutely no good reason. I don't care that I have cracks in my heart, holes in my head, and emotions that swing wilder than a manic depressive person (i.e. Britney).

I can't control life and I can't control the people in my life. Why is one day so good and one day so bad? Will I die before any of this ever gets easier? I want the life of one of those socialites who only have to worry about whether or not her roots are showing. I would so gladly give up my determination, aspirations, intelligence, and attitude to live that life.

Calm, Calm, Calm, when does it come?

Deriving happiness from others...

I've been noticing a lot lately that friends of mine are relying and basing a lot of their happiness on other people. Don't get me wrong I'm doing it right now at the moment as well. It's really kind of hard to deny. I feel a lot happier and I act a lot happier since a certain someone has come back into my life. Does that mean that I couldn't be happy without him? When does getting your happiness from others cross the line from healthy to unhealthy?

It's a really hard call. We are all dependent on some form of interaction whether that be with people, animals, or even plants. Even hermits that live in the middle of a forest in Montana interact with some kind of flora or fauna. So there must be some innate reason for our need of interaction. We crave for people to like us, accept us, and to form some kind of relationship with us. This sometimes overrides our own desires and we end up taking on the qualities our partner deems important instead of those that we have already formed. If you haven't already formed your identity or your own qualities then that person doesn't really even know you or just wants you to become the clone of the person or at least being built as the model that a certain person wants. Then, you are no better than a robot or computer, the person has created you to do and act how he/she wants you to act.

We are sometimes so desperate for love that we overlook what is good about ourselves, what makes us unique, or what our values are. We sacrifice everything to feel the thrill and the rush that comes with the "honeymoon period" of love. When those feelings subside we are left with a shell, a person who we once were, and an unrecognizable form of the things that made us once so us. 

This is not everyone though. Sometimes our timing with who we are with ourselves aligns just correctly with the prospect of love. Both people come into it knowing exactly who they are, what their expectations are, and how the two can work together instead of one overpowering the other. This is when love is at it's strongest. When you know exactly who you are, when you are happy and comfortable with yourself first, the strongest relationships form when you bring that to the table and find someone who doesn't want to change or let you change it.

I know it sounds corny but finding happiness in yourself first, learning who you are first, figuring out what your expectations are, figuring out what you will not compromise, all lead to a better chance of a lasting relationship than one that you just throw yourself into because you're too afraid that no one else will come along. If someone asks you the question, "who are you" and you can't answer that without somehow adding your significant other into your explanation then just maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship. 

And now I am done with my Sex in the City post. 

Why Hillary Clinton should be president

I wrote a brilliant post on why Hillary Clinton should be president. It had history, political science references, everything and then I accidentally deleted it, and now I am pissed. Why the fuck is there no undo button!!!!!

Giving Space

Why is it so hard to give the ones we love some kind of space? Do we actually believe if we don't talk to or see a person all the time that they will forget who we are? Is it really that important to get all of our answers today? Will the question cease to be there tomorrow? Why is love mixed with such exquisite pain? Why are we so afraid of honesty? Does lying ever make anything better? Is it ever helpful to hold onto things that need to be said, want to be said, have to be said, because we're too afraid that our answer will never be the one we imagined in our head? Can the act of loving someone be strong enough to surpass all the hardships in life? Why should we roll over and lose when we're strong enough to keep fighting? Can a love cultivated and nurtured over 10 years be erased by space and timing?

Things you should always remember but, tend to forget often

No one gives better advice than your mother. This still surprises me and I don't know why. She's the only woman in the world that solely has your best interest at heart. When your mind is jumbled and confused and your heart and brain are fighting your mother knows the right things to say and the right rational to have. I forget sometimes that my mother sees me as her daughter, a being for which she has unconditional love, and not as a conduit to fix, what she perceives to be, her mistakes. She has more strength and sense than I can ever pray to have.

Talk out the thoughts in your mind or they will overrun you. I keep forgetting that the people in my life love me for a reason and accept me for all of who I am and not just a part of who I am. So, when calm, rational Shawna meets crazy, insecure Shawna the people in my life have chosen to love both together (lucky them!). I get nervous to let the emotions dislodge from my mind and spill out of my mouth but, once they do, I always feel ten times better.

People will love you even when you make mistakes. Human perfection is unattainable. We were all made with flaws and no one will ever overcome all of their flaws, in fact most of the time, we end up acquiring new ones. The people who truly love you will forgive you, support you, and are still able to love you. The people who do not truly love you will be unable to find forgiveness. These are not people you want in your life. There is no point in catering to people who are willing to give up on you or people you've scarred so badly they are unable to trust you again. Focus on the love you have in your life, it's stronger than chasing the unattainable.

Fear is the greatest barrier to achievement. You have the capabilities to do and achieve anything. We fear the unknown, the risk involved, the consequences of our actions, whether we are able to handle our new situation, and whether or not it's sustainable, i.e. "worth it." It's a healthy emotion to have so acknowledge it but, don't let it consume you. Once it takes over, you can't see anything past the present and you are unable to have a future. There will be pros and cons to every decision, taste the fear and then swallow it, your best decisions come when you let the fear disappear.

Instincts are there for a reason. They tell you how to best assess the situations with which you are presented. They also are your best weapon at "reading" the people around you. You cannot predict the future but your instincts will most likely lead you to the best possible place. Ignoring them will nine times out of ten lead you down the wrong path. People will tell you what you want to hear, instincts will tell you what is true.

Love is really, that powerful. It actually does span time and space. The connection between two people in love is unexplainable, undeniable, and witnessed in every action. Two I's become we, two bodies become one, two minds tick together, and two hearts beat in unison. Your thought process is changed immediately from I mode to we mode. The feeling is indescribable, there are not words sweet nor strong enough to explain it, the only way to truly know it is to feel it. Besides, feeling it is the best part.

Attractiveness...

Lets face it, I know I'm hot. I see guys look at me, double and even triple check to see if I actually exist. I can make a guy's head turn at the swing of my hips. But, I'm not the super skinny girl you see in magazine ads. I have curves, but they're the type of curves that a guy's eye follows. I have the hour glass figure of the woman of the 20's and 30's. The eye follows the perfect form of my breasts, down to the curve in at my hips, to the curve out of a, lets face it, perfect ass. I don't disappoint in reality, I really do look that good.

More than half the attractiveness though is in the attitude. You have to believe it, embrace it, and flaunt the hell out of it. My problem is that I don't believe that anyone is worthy of it. Part of deserving is earning and I really don't fall for lame ass lines. Making me smile doesn't do it either because most likely I will be rolling my eyes about 2 seconds after you leave. You have to challenge me, or make me feel like the only one in the room. I know I'm special (and not in that short-bus way) and that I deserve the best so, you better show me the best. About 90% of the time, I'm going to think you're fucking retarded, it's that other 10% that makes me think about a second comment. There's no one like me, I'll take you on a wild ride and drop you off when I'm done. I'm single for one reason only, there is no one brave enough to tame this beast.  

Rainy Day ranting

I hate it when it rains. It's so dark and dreary. It makes me want to jump off a cliff.

I hate working. I do it too much. Whenever I don't work, I feel guilty.

I hate going to the doctor's office. It's really kind of scary when the doctor starts talk about MRI and CT Scans. It is all so personal.

I hate being confused. It makes me feel stupid like there's something wrong with me that I can't make sense of things. I'm way too smart to be that stupid.

I hate baggage. It follows you around and makes your life miserable. It's like a ghost with unfinished business.

I hate money. It's the root of all evil. We're all so focused on the bottom line that we forget to look up and see life.

I hate ignorance. People need to realize that different is not necessarily bad. It's our differences that make us unique because I sure as hell don't want to be like you.

I hate peas and beans. They're mushy and green. It's like eating wet cardboard.

I hate debt. Why can't we always be in the black? We should get rid of debt and go back to the barter system.

I hate slow drivers in the left lane. Get back in your designated lane slow ass!! There is no need for anyone to leave the right lane if they're driving between the speed limit and five over.

I hate patience. If one more person tells me I need patience or to wait for "God's plan" I'm going to murder someone. It was God that forgot to give me patience in the first place.

I hate people who ask me when I'm going to get married. I'll get married when I want to get married. Or, I'll get married when someone clubs me on the head and drags me down the aisle.

I hate V-4 engines. They're just not fast enough. I don't know why I, of all people, thought it would be a good idea to own one.

I hate being a girl. Why are we expected to always look pretty? Why are we hardwired to be so damn emotional no matter how hard we fight it?

I hate involuntary twitching. I swear my leg bouncing is the only thing that keeps me semi-slim. I really can't stand not being able to control my own body.

I hate it when things don't work out my way. I've worked so hard to be where I am that when things fall apart it makes no sense. I try not to ask for a lot but it always seems to be too much.

I hate ex-girlfriends. They always fuck everything up. Everyone should just marry their first girlfriend/boyfriend and then we wouldn't have such problems.

I hate bugs. Bugs are gross and just ewww. I know we invaded their space but seriously, just get away from me.

Finally,

I really hate procrastinating. It always bits you in the ass. No matter what you're putting off it always gets worse tomorrow, never better.

Moving Day

As a kid growing up in a military family, and a family that rented houses instead of buying them, you learn how to pack up and move rather well. I was a modern day nomad, never living in one place too long and I learned how to pack up my things in record time. I can pack up my apartment in less than three hours and we've packed up the family house in less than eight.

I've now lived in Minneapolis for eight consecutive years. I started getting antsy about four years ago but I find a strange comfort in this city. I know how to navigate it, it has just about everything in it you would want, there are charming mom and pop shops and malls for those who choose the mainstream, I've explored a lot of the city but there is so much left to see, and I have a family here. It's not your typical family but it's a group of people that usually accepts me for whom I am and still loves me despite that. Members of this family have come and gone and we drift apart with the trials and tribulations of life but they're still in our hearts.

Even though I find comfort here and with these people, I don't know if my heart is here anymore. I find myself craving something new, a new place to be, new people to meet, a different atmosphere. What the city use to provide no longer is enough for me and my family well, doesn't have the ability to give me what I need.

I have totally digressed from what I wanted this post to be about though. I didn't really mean for the moving to take a literal sense, I want to talk about it more in the form of emotional moving. The post below on Closure is kind of the jumping off point for this. You love someone, give yourself of them, and create space for two instead of one and then it ends. Well, what do you do now? You now have a whole bunch of empty space, extra baggage and trinkets scattered around, and no longer can identify who you are because you've identified yourself with them for so long. You can box it all up, put it on a high shelf and mark it as "Do Not Open" and fill the emptiness with self-doubt and self-loathing, you can burn the stuff and fill the emptiness with a blur of activity, or you can sort through the baggage throw away the bad, return the good, and fill the emptiness with the pursuit of finding out who you are and what makes you happy. I've done all three. They all work but some are more temporary than others. That's why it takes you six years to write a post on closure.

Let’s just face facts though. I'm no good at the relationship thing. I either don't give a fuck and adopt an uncaring attitude or I get obsessed, give too much, and smother the person to death. I'm not good at finding the common ground. It's kind of a power struggle, either I control it all or I give it all away. It's the only part of my life that I rarely walk the tightrope, I just jump off one side or the other. It's hard, I don't know what love looks like. I don't know what a good relationship is. Hell, I don't even know what a healthy relationship is. My mother's mother had six kids, my father's mother had nine kids, of those 15 kids, 10 have been divorced, 3 more than once, and 1 has never been married. I've got bad odds, two to one. My mother had 3 kids; it's not looking too good.

Maybe I’ll just never get married. It seems like it's too big of a risk to take. I've seen good divorces and I've seen bad divorces and it's enough to make me not want to have one. I want to find someone who's perfect for me, who complements even the worst aspects of me. I want to find someone that understands me, that can tell what I'm thinking from the raise of one eyebrow. I want to find someone that challenges me, that make me a better person and forces me to work harder. I want to find someone that thinks for himself, but who also knows how to listen to what I have to say. I want the one person I can't have, the one person who will never be mine, the one person who has never hurt me; I want the first person who taught me what love is.