The Big Bad Bitch has a Heart

I've said this before many times, but I'm surrounded by people and I still feel so totally alone. I don't know why that is. I'm an extroverted person, I know how to have a good time in a crowd, I know how to entertain the masses and yet I am still surrounded by this aloneness. It is sort of lonely making your own path in the world, but I have people to share that with. There are people in the exact same circumstances as me and I am sure they are going through the exact same things. This does not give me comfort. I'm going to be an attorney. As much as people like to make fun of this, it still does come with some modicum of respect.

I've always felt like I've had such a higher purpose in life. I know that sounds condescending, but I just do. I feel like the small town girl that longs for the big city. I'm getting impatient though, how long is this going to take? How long until I'm a household name and people can Wikipedia me? I've been running up pedestals so fast my whole life that I don't know what I'm going to do if I fall down them. In hindsight I see the path, but when I look ahead it's all black and woozy.

So I'm on the path, and I'm trying to run it, but I don't know what the expectation is anymore. My favorite words are me and I, but this existence is lonely. If I can't have everything, what is worth losing? Is the me that I thought I was really the me that I am? Why am I not allowed to have it all?

The Art of the Slack

I have now been in the library for about 5 hours. I meet with my Contracts study group to go over things for the quiz we have tomorrow but after that I have been sitting here doing a big fat nothing. I have too many assignments (actual and self-imposed) to even be remotely able to slack off but here I am, doing a big, fat nothing.

I really think I'm into some masochistic (hmm, interesting I'm not a very good speller but I managed to spell that word), self-destruction mode. I know I have to kick ass my first year, I really have no real distractions, but here I am giving myself distractions. What the hell?? I need some like spiritual intervention, pick me up, dust me off, and please put my brain back into a solid state.

The thoughts are all there but it's like soup. I need a winter storm to come along and freeze my ideas into a workable product that I can turn in. Am I cracking under the pressure? Oh the overwhelming craziness, masochistic desire to be an attorney, why? Because I have to be the best, I have to be number one, I have to do well. Where the hell did that come from? I have no idea, I think it's mostly self-imposed because that pressure sure did not come from my family. Then why is this not easier? I think slacking off because someone else is forcing me to be here is one thing, but I'm forcing myself to be here.

So I hate working at a dead-end job because I'm not challenged enough and I hate being in school because it's hard (to be honest I don't actually hate school, I actually love it a lot). I am never going to be happy at this point. Alrighty so, where are my 50 cats and my old-shoe-house?

Pressure Cooker

I don't know what it is about me but no one in the world puts more pressure on me then myself. I think if I just relaxed and went with the flow I would have an easier life. I'm really not motivated to do anything even though I'm living my dreams for the first time in years. It's turning out to be a very lonely experience. I really would like to be dating someone right now. I think this whole thing would be easier if I had someone to share it with. Fact of the matter is about 87% of me is in this, the other 13% is constantly questioning everything I do. Somedays the 13% wins, and today is one of those days.

I'm blah, I'm sure there will be more to come later.

Law school's not easy but it sure beats a crappy dead-end job I'm too smart for. Now, if only I could figure out how to live without having to find a job.

Brain Dump II

Ok I am at the end of a three day weekend in which I had set plans to get ahead on my homework. Well like 45 hours of TV watching later and I will not even be prepared for my class tomorrow morning. I am really unfocused and I cannot clear my mind so here we go.

I just called the cops on the neighbors downstairs. Why? Because their music was so fucking loud I could not hear myself think. When I first looked at apartments my one question to every single company was "is it quiet?" Those of you who have lived with me know that I hate noise that I'm not creating. I know I should get use to it because you can't always control your surroundings but I swear I hate people who have no respect for those around them. I have no desire to listen to your music just like I'm sure you have no desire to listen to mine.

I keep thinking that I'm not going to be any good at the lawyer thing. I like that classes that I'm taking for the most part so far it's been not too bad wrapping my head around the concepts. I just keep trying to imagine myself in this role or that role, trying to counsel people about the law and I don't think I can do it. I don't know if I'm intentionally setting myself up to fail or not.

It is really lonely here. I literally spent the last three days locked in apartment. I didn't venture out once, nor did I really have a reason to. I hate that! When I was in Mpls if I was home by myself I knew that I had the option to call someone if I wanted to. I had control over the loneliness when I was there, here there is no controlling it, I'm lonely, period, end of story.

There is no feedback in law school. I have no idea if I'm doing things right or not. I could be completely stupid and I would never know until the finals. If I fail the finals then I can kiss the future I want for myself good bye.

I feel like I'm self sabotaging. I have plenty of motivation to do well but I'm not doing anything. What is wrong with me? How am I going to fix this?

Brain Dump

I have an RWA assignment due tomorrow at 3 that I need to start now (1 am EST) so I need to clean the brain in order to organize a coherent IR construction. 

I miss Minnesota. Like really badly. Worse than I ever thought I would. I miss the people and I miss the familiarity but I don't really miss my jobs there. I mean I loved most of the people I worked with but I know I'm better off now than working in jobs that were not satisfying to me. Perhaps this means I chose the right course of action by going to law school. 

I haven't even had a full week of class and I'm already questioning whether or not I'm going to be good at this. I have to read things like 2-3 times before it even sinks in. It takes so long for me to do any of the assignments. I give myself like 1 1/2 and it takes me 3 hours!!!

How am I going to be able to work and keep up with school at the same time. The most down time I have in a day is 2 maybe 3 hours other than that I'm in class, in the library or in bed. Where is this balance going to come from? I feel like I'm already behind, there's not enough hours in the day. I would cut out sleep but my brain already feels like mush after studying for 8 hours I can't jam back anything else in there without losing my sanity. 

I don't know about the making friends thing either. I mean the people I've met so far are nice but I feel like I'm either intentionally or unintentionally isolating myself from everyone else by sticking my nose in a book for 9 hours a day. Living alone is lonely and I feel like everyone else her either has a boyfriend or is married. Did I somehow miss that train? Did it pull into the station, take one look at me, and run screaming down the track get me the hell out of here!!!???

My neighbors downstairs are so annoying. Who plays their music super loud and bassy at 1:30 in the morning on a Monday and Sunday night?

Should I continue to park at the Wharton Center? That walk at 11:00 is very scary and very dark. But if I move to the Commuter Lot that walk is just as scary and I don't think it's as well lit as the other walk. 

What if I fail? I mean I've had to modify this dream so many times and I am sick of it. Cant it just work out? Isn't there some kind of guarantee by now? Change your dreams x amount of times and your current path is free of road blocks?

Can I take an exam with a dog snoring during it if I can barely handle distractions in the library or at home? Are my expectations too high? Is that my ultimate problem? Do I expect so much out of the people around me that I begin to repeal them?

Seriously Emotional

Ok, honestly sorry to those of you who actually check this thing have been disappointed by the lack of content.

I've been poked, prodded and scanned within the last few months just to find out that I have depression, migraines, and a sleeping disorder. Wow! It's been a roller coaster but at least now I've changed my attitude from being a complete bitch to just a little bitchy once and a while. Whatever, I hope it last for a while because I think I'm a better person when I'm not so angry all the time that I want to kill everyone.

My uncle is dying. Of drinking. Too much. Scary enough in it's self but add to that his age, 47, his 16 year old daughter, and the fact that alcoholism runs rampant on both side of my family and I'm ready to give up drinking for the rest of my life. For those of you who know the Vegas story (which will never be repeated in a public forum such as this) you know that I made a conscience decision not to get ripe roaring plastered after that. I've been pretty good about with just a couple of lapses but now the smell of booze absolutely makes me sick to my stomach. I don't know how to feel about it because I was never that particularly close to my uncle but I'm sad and I feel so helpless. It's hard to concentrate on day to day things when you're left to your own devices as much as I am I want to be here but I can't help but feel like I'm 1,000 miles away.

I swear stress or a big fiery car crash is going to kill me one day!