Shunning Adulthood

I think Peter Pan or Toy R Us had the correct idea because growing up is a pain in the ass. We've all seen the 40 year old women with make-up caked on their face. They're wearing tube tops, short skirts, and platform heels. They try to hang with the "in-crowd", drink too much, smoke too much, and throw themselves at any young man walking by. I secretly desire to be one of them.

I hate that I spent my childhood and teenage years trying to be Ms. Independent. I miss being taken care of, parents handling the hard stuff, food is always in the fridge, and the electricity always being on but not having to worry about how it's always going to be on. Everything was so much easier when you only had to worry about why Jenny didn't invite you to her party. I'm just so over being an adult.

The thing is you can't quit adulthood. Strike that, I can't quit adulthood. My sister, and don't get me wrong I love her dearly, gets to quit adulthood everyday. She has three babies. When shit starts to hit the fan she doesn't have to worry because my mother will be there to pick everything up for her. The car breaks, mom pays. Car payment doesn't get made, mom pays. Need a night off from the kids, mom takes care of it. Husband going to Afghanistan, move in with mom (though I don't really begrudge her for that one).

When things go south for me the expectation is to buck up and figure it out on my own. I constantly have this crushing weight of expectation and duty. Work the job, get the advanced degree, make the money, support the needy, find the husband, make the babies, clean the house, make the dinner, strengthen the friendships, pay the bills, and more and more and more. I have thirty thousand voices in my head and I don't sleep because they never shut up. It's a dizzying marry-go-round and I want to get off.

I don't want to do it any more. My bank account makes me sick, the thought of paying my bills is like someone telling me I have to run a marathon, work is more tiring than it's worth so I don't do anything, figuring out the future is a task so daunting that I've completely shut down living anything but minute to minute, and finding a mate is just not going to happen that's a door I've shut, tightly. My apartment is messy, I haven't unpacked, I just let stuff lie where I've dropped it and frankly I don't care. I need to do laundry and yes, I know it's really gross but, it took me four days to shower because I'm just too lazy. I don't want responsibility because all it brings is disappointment and shame.

It's too hard to walk back up the hill. I don't know where my fight or die spirit went but being pushed face down in the mud makes dying look so much more appealing than fighting. I know that I need to fight and I know it's in me somewhere but I can't find it. I want to be a kid again. I want someone to take care of me. I want to lie down. I want to give up.

Emotionally Exausted

The funny thing about living on my own for as long as I have is that I've become very accustomed to not depending on other people for anything. I've done so many things that I probably would refuse to do if there were someone else around, i.e. fix my toilet, kill bugs, take out the trash, develop body twisting abilities in order to put lotion on my back and zip up tops. I also wouldn't put my own necklaces on as much as I do now, I find something strangely loving or sexy about a man who will help you put on a necklace.

It's not that I don't long for someone to share a life with but the many disappointments I've had I just can't imagine this as a reality any more. It's either not my purpose in life to be mated with someone or now is not the time. I just can't take being run through the ringer any more. I'm tired and I'm sick of guys using me for their own purposes and then once those are over they toss me aside. I just can't imagine at the moment a guy being genuinely in love with me. Everything is an act and I keep falling for it and I can't do it any more.

My mother has been single for 14 years, I don't think she's dated anyone during that time. If she can do it, I know I can. I just need something to fill that void. For her she had her children maybe I'll take a cooking class or a yoga class. I know I should probably get a dog or something but I think I inherited my father's love of animals. Maybe if my sister would have had a puppy growing up she wouldn't have had children so young. That's a quandary for another day.

I'll share a little secret with you...

I have absolutely no patience when it comes to stupid people. I'm sorry to those of you who know me because to you this is no secret. I am literally exasperated when I meet people who have no concept of the things going on around them or who cannot complete simple tasks. These are the people who use their naivety and looks to get by. I do not buy it nor do I stand idly by and take it. Seriously, if you have worked at a job for 8 months and you still don't know how to put things in numerical order, the difference between reading the word Japan and England or even United States of America, and have no idea that when it says debit note that there is a bill attached then you need to go back to kindergarten dear because somewhere along the way you failed to retain basic information about numbers and letters. I'm willing to bet large sums of money that my almost three year old nephew could manage these tasks.

I will admit that this last month has been terrible for me and I do have a quick trigger but other people are noticing. These jobs are not hard. I am currently actively creating work for myself. Dear Lord grant me some patience! It is hard to look at her and not have the fleeting thought of, why don't you just get the word idiot tattooed on your forehead so people can see you coming? I realize I have a lightening quick thought process when it comes to this job, and I can pick up things very quickly but seriously eight months and you still do not do anything correctly, it's time to go!

On a side note and completely unrelated topic...

I've had the intention of sitting down for the past three weeks and writing a blog on everything I would say to Brian if I ever got the chance to talk to him. I also have had the intention of writing a second blog on closure in regards to him. Every time I've either forgotten, it's accidentally been deleted, or I've gotten caught up in another activity and forgotten what I wanted to say. It's a little disconcerting. I think it's either a part of me not wanting to admit that I'm giving up or it's divine intervention. Sooner or later I'm going to have to deal with the fact that he and I are not seeing eye to eye on this situation. Here below is a brief synopsis of what I would say if I ever got the chance to say it. So then it's out there, it's off my chest, and I may be able to be productive.

I'm starting with a disclaimer: this is purely my perception of a woman I have only met once in my life. I, in no way, pretend to know her personally, pretend to know what her motivations are, or pretend that this is not a biased opinion because it is. That being said, why in the hell do you allow a woman who has fucked you over twice back into your life kids or no kids? You forgave her once and she was fine for like 6 months and then she went ahead and fucked another guy behind your back for 6 weeks. She told you she couldn't take having a life with you and for all intensive purposes put her lifestyle in front of her own kids. How you think she changed all that in two months or that you could forgive her for it blows my damn mind. The fact that this is the person you decided to choose over me makes me feel like shit. For ten years I've stood by your side, I've been there for you when you needed me, I've supported you in every way I know how to support someone, I've been your girlfriend, your friend, your lover, and your confidant. I listened when you told me how she wronged you, took your side without hesitation, and I gave you my heart, again. I understand that your kids are the most important thing in your life and I also understand that she will always be in your life because of it. I told you I was in love with you and you hesitated. I told you that I wanted to be closer to you and you hesitated. I told you I wanted to be in a relationship with you and you hesitated. I still waited and I still held out hope that you would see what I could give you.

You are one of the most loyal and giving parents I know. You constantly and consistently put your children's needs before your own and are fighting like hell to teach them to become the best people they can be. Your love for them shines through even in your moments of frustration. You interact with them and show them every moment you can that you love them. I'm not going to pretend to know anything about parenting because I don't nor could I at this stage in my life. The only thing I can draw upon are my own childhood experiences with two parents who stayed together for the sake of their children. It doesn't work. Children know when their parents don't love each other, don't have a mutual respect for each other, and don't trust each other. They can sense it in every interaction and they don't know it's for their sake that you are together until they're older and it's usually too late. Their knowledge of how to interact and be in relationships comes from you and it doesn't come from the words coming out of your mouth it comes from what you show them. I never knew what love between two people was until you taught it to me. I was lucky that it was from you and not someone who would take advantage of me. I would hope that you would want to teach this to your kids and not the first person that they happen to fall in love with. Don't you want to show them what a relationship is like with two people who respect each other, trust each other, admire each other, are passionate with and about each other, and exudes strength? Can you honestly say that you and Jenn are in that kind of relationship? If you can then fantastic. I'm bowing out then because I cannot be there for you when she fucks you over again, because she will fuck you over again, leopards rarely change their spots. I cannot watch a woman I have such disdain for be with you. If you can't say that about your relationship then please seriously consider all that I've done for you. I know that you are apprehensive but I love you and I want to be with you because you make me happy and I have strength and abilities that you've never known. All I'm asking for is a chance.

Ok so, this got really, really long. Sorry, but I had to get all of that out, I had to release it to the universe because it was too much to keep inside. Maybe one day I'll get to tell him all of this and maybe one day our receptionist will grow a brain. If I only get one wish or the other, make it the former instead of the latter.

Happiness truly is fleeting

I'm that girl. The one that other girls hide their boyfriends from and loath and the one that guys are afraid of but secretly are intrigued by.

I speak my mind, shoot looks across crowded rooms that chill hearts, have ambitions that trump those of most men, and I never like to be bored. I also love to make people laugh, love worrying about those I love, love to host parties and dinners, and I am a neat freak. I'm constantly hovering over this middle line between feminine and masculine. If my father's 22 year military service career had one good impact on my life, that was providing me with the ability to read any situation I'm in and be extroverted enough to meet new people and immediately know my enemies. I'm smart, both in book and street sense, I have amazing friends, truly some of the best people I've ever met, I'm fairly attractive, I've turned heads a time or two, and I know how to use all of these assets in very good ways. None of these are helping anymore.

I've hit this wall suddenly and nothing seems to satisfy anything anymore. The dreams of a great career in law have been flushed. The love of my life is doing exactly what I feared he would do and I think I somehow pushed him down that path. My job is just pissing me off I'm so bored with it and I have no desire to do it any more there is no where else for me to go but down. I have no idea how I'm going to settle the massive debt I've incurred and I'm currently desperately seeking $75. I'm sicker than a dog and I have been for 4 days, I have no idea when I will get better because I seem to just be getting worse.

Four months ago I was the happiest I've been in a long time. It was a happiness that I actually felt in my heart, you could see it on my face, and I couldn't talk without smiling. I had this amazing strength to draw from, a future to look forward to, and everything was going in an upward trajectory. I was making plans, I was going to start my life, the one I had dreamed of for so long. Now, that trajectory has made a 180 degree turn and is now pummeled way below the ground. My head is spinning and everything is dark and it's hard to gain any sort of bearing. I didn't have to time to prepare for it. I still don't think I'm prepared for it and I really think that there is more to come. It's like someone has erased a chalkboard that held all my plans, goals, dreams, determination, and motivation, but left me a few words behind. Now, I'm desperately staring at it trying to piece something together but out of the corner of my eye I see someone and it's not my knight in shinning armor to pick me up and put me together, it's someone coming to finish the erasure job.

I have only two options, go forward pick everything up and start piecing it back together or give up and just quit everything. Last time I gave up. I just don't know where to draw the strength from to go forward. I have supporters, friends and family who love me, but I can't take strength from them especially when some of them take strength from me. Where do I draw from? I'm so full of pride and I've got a nasty streak of stubbornness that I have no idea how to get through this by myself and I can't ask anyone else to help. I wouldn't know what to ask for even if I could ask. I'm not the kind of person that gives up, especially not twice, I just don't know what to do. There is no one to hold my hand, no one to prop me up, no one to dust me off. I'm a strong person but it's a hollow strength. I don't know if I can fix everything that's gone wrong, I don't know if I can survive it.

Karma is paying me back

Literally when it rains it pours. There is nothing drives me nuts more than watching dreams go up in smoke right before my eyes. It's like waving good bye to someone you love, it hurts so badly. Now I have no idea what to do, what my next move is going to be. I feel lost but oddly I've felt worse because I'm finding hope in all the situations I'm facing.

I don't know why I'm holding on to it or if I'm just a complete sucker. I just know that if I lose it all of this becomes so much more horrible. Hopefully when this is all done somethings will work in my favor, if it doesn't well, I guess I get to deal with all of this again. Here's to walking on eggshells.