The Art of the Slack

I have now been in the library for about 5 hours. I meet with my Contracts study group to go over things for the quiz we have tomorrow but after that I have been sitting here doing a big fat nothing. I have too many assignments (actual and self-imposed) to even be remotely able to slack off but here I am, doing a big, fat nothing.

I really think I'm into some masochistic (hmm, interesting I'm not a very good speller but I managed to spell that word), self-destruction mode. I know I have to kick ass my first year, I really have no real distractions, but here I am giving myself distractions. What the hell?? I need some like spiritual intervention, pick me up, dust me off, and please put my brain back into a solid state.

The thoughts are all there but it's like soup. I need a winter storm to come along and freeze my ideas into a workable product that I can turn in. Am I cracking under the pressure? Oh the overwhelming craziness, masochistic desire to be an attorney, why? Because I have to be the best, I have to be number one, I have to do well. Where the hell did that come from? I have no idea, I think it's mostly self-imposed because that pressure sure did not come from my family. Then why is this not easier? I think slacking off because someone else is forcing me to be here is one thing, but I'm forcing myself to be here.

So I hate working at a dead-end job because I'm not challenged enough and I hate being in school because it's hard (to be honest I don't actually hate school, I actually love it a lot). I am never going to be happy at this point. Alrighty so, where are my 50 cats and my old-shoe-house?

Pressure Cooker

I don't know what it is about me but no one in the world puts more pressure on me then myself. I think if I just relaxed and went with the flow I would have an easier life. I'm really not motivated to do anything even though I'm living my dreams for the first time in years. It's turning out to be a very lonely experience. I really would like to be dating someone right now. I think this whole thing would be easier if I had someone to share it with. Fact of the matter is about 87% of me is in this, the other 13% is constantly questioning everything I do. Somedays the 13% wins, and today is one of those days.

I'm blah, I'm sure there will be more to come later.

Law school's not easy but it sure beats a crappy dead-end job I'm too smart for. Now, if only I could figure out how to live without having to find a job.

Brain Dump II

Ok I am at the end of a three day weekend in which I had set plans to get ahead on my homework. Well like 45 hours of TV watching later and I will not even be prepared for my class tomorrow morning. I am really unfocused and I cannot clear my mind so here we go.

I just called the cops on the neighbors downstairs. Why? Because their music was so fucking loud I could not hear myself think. When I first looked at apartments my one question to every single company was "is it quiet?" Those of you who have lived with me know that I hate noise that I'm not creating. I know I should get use to it because you can't always control your surroundings but I swear I hate people who have no respect for those around them. I have no desire to listen to your music just like I'm sure you have no desire to listen to mine.

I keep thinking that I'm not going to be any good at the lawyer thing. I like that classes that I'm taking for the most part so far it's been not too bad wrapping my head around the concepts. I just keep trying to imagine myself in this role or that role, trying to counsel people about the law and I don't think I can do it. I don't know if I'm intentionally setting myself up to fail or not.

It is really lonely here. I literally spent the last three days locked in apartment. I didn't venture out once, nor did I really have a reason to. I hate that! When I was in Mpls if I was home by myself I knew that I had the option to call someone if I wanted to. I had control over the loneliness when I was there, here there is no controlling it, I'm lonely, period, end of story.

There is no feedback in law school. I have no idea if I'm doing things right or not. I could be completely stupid and I would never know until the finals. If I fail the finals then I can kiss the future I want for myself good bye.

I feel like I'm self sabotaging. I have plenty of motivation to do well but I'm not doing anything. What is wrong with me? How am I going to fix this?