Copious amouts of emotion

There are times when I seriously think I have multiple personality disorder. I honestly think someday I'm going to find myself in the middle of a salon shaving my head and whacking at people with an umbrella, wait a minute...

It's not that I'm not good at controlling my emotions but it's about how they come out. Most of the time I smile to people's face or put on a neutral expression and really all I want to do is slit their throat. Something in my upbringing taught me self control but there is also something to be said for realising your emotions as well.

Actually, I have no idea why I'm writing about this. I have no desire to work right now. All that's ahead of me today is mundane busy work and many more e-mails from over-caffeinated clients. Sometime between now and yesteryear I have very much begun to resent my job. You know how kids that are too smart for the class they're in act out and cause trouble because they're not being challenged? I feel like that. I've gone months with out doing more than the bare minimum only to catch it all up in a matter of days. I know I should be thankful to have a job in such a shitty economy but I need a change.

If I end up having to do this job for the rest of my life then I'm going to slit my wrists! There has got to be more to life than this. My life has to have more meaning than just a person pushing around papers all day and being told over and over again her ass looks nice.

My looks are going to fade one day and I'm going to be stuck with anti-aging cream and a big pot of disappointment. I have the world at my feet, there are endless possibilities out there, and I feel like I'm standing at a four way stop being asked to choose only one direction when I really want to take all four. So life doesn't get any easier as you get older, no shit!, I thought at least I'd have it figured out by now. Just goes to show that you can't plan anything anymore. Which is why I think I've become more relaxed about everything lately. What's the point in planning anything when nothing you plan ever works out for you. You choose to love someone and soon your heart's in pieces. You choose the school you want to attend and you're not accepted. You choose your job and you're fired from it. You choose to live a healthy lifestyle and you get cancer. When you actively choose to avoid planning and let life take it's natural course, nothing happens. Now you face two options, total and utter disappointment or a stagnant living. What is the lesser of two evils??